i know i said that i wasn't going to start a new blog, but i also did say that i'm very indecisive. i can say one thing one minute and do the exact opposite the next. i've been told that it's a negative thing and also quite annoying that i can never make up my mind, but i don't always believe that it's a negative thing. annoying maybe, but not always bad. i've honestly run into the most beautiful things for being indecisive, and also making random, last-minute choices. so to be honest, i honestly don't care what anyone else thinks about this at the moment. you have two options.
anyhow, before i proceed my rambling on more shenanigan and nonsense, i want to re-introduce myself.
this whole thing about wanting to start fresh right after a new year is kind of corny, but sometimes we can't help to have a bit of 'corny-ness' in our lives. what would we honestly be without it?
so here i go.
tonight, i sit here, on a couch that is also known as a bed to me at night. tonight, when my body is worn and weary, and my mind is ready to obliterate all that has put me into this known state of mind, this living room will convert into my own, personal bedroom. i will walk over across the kitchen, into the hallway, and tiptoe into a closet inside the first room i see. my two younger sisters will be lying asleep on the bedroom floor readying their bodies for a brand new day. my dad will be lying sound asleep on the bed beside my mom, and they will both be dreaming of a better day. my brother will lie a bathroom away from this bedroom, and on an inflatable mattress, he, too, will wish his night away. i, in contrast, will lie awake to allow my mind to wander and race against time until my eyes lose their strength, and my brain has run out of breath from running such long distances in such a short amount of time.
at this moment, questions and thoughts are racing through your own mind. if you proceed your reading from here, you will find that the circumstance in which i stand in is not one that your typical teenager will come across. in no way am i claiming to be special, but in no way am i as ordinary as the kid that wakes up every morning just to go to school and come back home to a life of nothing-ness. i have encountered situations that a person my age would normally not come across.
i am no longer going to use this blog to complain about my situations,'vent', or linger on my negative thoughts. or at least i'll attempt to make this a commitment. i've learned that words are powerful in many ways. and you have to be careful in how you use them. words are like weapons. like gun shots, you have to know where you're pointing them, why, how, and at who or what. if we don't open our minds to any of these observations, then someone will end up hurt. if not someone, then maybe our ownselves. it may be a minor graze (thank you, andy) or the wound that will change your life in the best way or the worst.
many have read my words, and find most of them to have a lot of meaning, especially the ones that i chose carefully. i've heard that my words have taught different things, but i've never heard that my words have changed a life. and i'm not sure if i will ever get to hear or see this. but for once, i would like to be almost sure that my words can possibly do this. this is one thing that i would love to die knowing.
these words are nothing but a short seventeen years of mishaps, laughs, losses, gains, adventures, smiles, tears, heartbreak, and happyness (i prefer it spelled that way). i will not sit here and say that i'm better than anyone or anything, and i will allow you to live your life no matter the circumstances you are in or the choices you chose to make. i am simply the result of the environment surrounding me. you have the right to let my words walk through you or let yourself absorb them and allow them to help you, because that's what i intend to do.
i'm not perfect. like you, i've lied, sinned, unwillingly and willingly indulged myself in hypocrisy, and pretended to be something i'm not. not many people that would take a walk in my shoes for five minutes would call themselves 'blessed', but i am proud to say that this is where i differ from a lot of people my age. but i also will not gloat and say that i am stronger than you, because that, i can assure you i'm probably not. i am in this certain state of mind due the my surroundings, experiences, and gifts/precious moments that i've encountered.
not all of these 'precious' moments were precious to me in the beginning. i've had my share of tears, depression, anger, frusteration, pain, and heartbreak. in fact, i deal with it to this day, and i know i will continue to deal with it for a while. but none i would have never gotten to this point without the help of God and my family.
God; my savior, has and will never let me down. even when i may forget that He's there, He never forgets that i'm here in pain, tears, and heartache. He is the main reason for who i am today.
my parents; aside from us having to struggle the way we have these past four years, they have stood by each other and by me, and have taught my brother, sisters and me how to stay a family through it all. no matter what the circumstances, and anything we've put them through, especially me, they've stood by me and never given up on me. i love them for that and so much more.
andy jonathan guzman (aka lame penguin, penguin, andy, or andy j.); the newest addition to my family. the man that was sent to make me the happiest 'almost woman' on earth. we have had our share of downfalls and bumps in our roads, and we may have two months in our relationship missing, but we are stronger and i couldn't be happier than ever. and even though we had our times when it seems like he's just about to let me down, he always redeems himself with the biggest, and most amazing ending to our problem just like the amazing performances he puts up onstage. my best friend. my reason to smile, and write, and gloat. many wish they had what i have with him, so i find him to be my biggest blessing by far. many wish for that person to stand by them no matter what happens, and i'm one of the lucky few. thank you, baby love.
there are a few others that have walked into my life these past few years that mean so much to me, and they know who they are. i thank you all also for sticking by my side through all of this. thank you.
i think that i've said all that i need to say for now. either that or i lost my track of thought, which is typical for me since my memory is a bit off at times and i'm easily thrown off or distracted. more than likely, i lost my train of thought. but that's okay. nonetheless, i just wanted to reintroduce myself and for those of you reading my blog for the first time: welcome and thank you all for reading.
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