almost eighteen years of my life have been completed, and in these years, i've learned and experienced more than i ever thought i possibly could. and the best thing is, i'm still learning. who i used to be is nothing compared to who i am now. maybe i'm still a bit fragile and my heart is still mending, but overall, i've grown to be who i am at this moment.
i'm not sure how to write out what i want to write at the moment. my heart feels like it wants to burst open with millions of words, but my mind is insecure about what it wants my fingers to type...
i guess in a way, i want to say that i'm happy with who i've become? or maybe i want to say that regardless of the tough memories embossed into my mind, i find it worth the reminiscing of the pain to be where i am. i feel at peace with myself. overall, i just feel happy, i guess.
i think actually knowing where i went right actually just adds onto me feeling this way. all it took was patience.
who knew that two months of solitude, depression, anger, frusteration, tears, heartbreak, and just overall pain could actually put me here? i honestly felt like i was hanging on by the finest thread you could ever find and that it could snap at any moment. i felt that nothing and no one could save me anymore. i felt alone. it's almost as if i was thrown into my own personal rehab. a mini-Hell is what it seems like when you're there, but now i feel great.
i have nobody else to thank but God for not letting me break, my family for putting up with me during this time, and andy for doing what he did for our relationship. everything does happen for a reason. those two months were the worst time that i've ever experienced, but they also helped build us as a couple. i'm not going to lie and say that everything's all patched up, but we're working on it, and to be honest, we're doing better than before. at least i believe so.
i'm ecstatic that i have plans, and i actually am absolutely positive about them and what i want and who i am at the moment. i'm still finding myself, but aren't we all? but andy... wow. he has amazed and inspired me since day one, and to this day, it has not come to a halt. and deep in my heart and soul, i know that as long as i know him, and have him by my side or in my life, he will continue to do this.
my heart and mind are in a state of tranquility for this wonderful man whom i couldn't be more honored to call mine. it knows that it is in the best human hands. it knows that andy j. would do absolutely anything to keep a smile on my face. he has proved it. and God knows more than anything and anyone how much i truly love him.
yes, we did pick up where we left off, but in a way, to me, it seems as though we're improved in our ways of loving one another. God is definitely on our side, baby. once you came back to me, everything just seemed to fall into place right after that, and the funny thing is that nothing really changed, except i think i'm even more in love with you, and we're definitely growing up. we have plans. and we're ready to put them into action. i'm caught up to you again. i still stumble every now and then. but then again, you know how clumsy i can be.
once again, i'm here, writing to you to thank you because i get all tongue-tied trying to explain this to you. thank you for staying in my life. thank you for making me complete again. i know that we had a rough year in 2009, but i have a gut feeling that this year will be better for us both. with just a little bit of love, faith, and hope, we're going to be just fine, baby love. i promise. thank you once again. i love you, lame penguin<3
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