in case everyone is wondering where I went, or why I haven't been posting on here, it's because I post most of my stuff on Tumblr now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, call me a sell out all you want, but I enjoy it quite nicely.
But I do come back to Blogger every once in a while to see what everyone who I follow here are writing about. And who knows, maybe I will occasionally blog here once in a while?
And if you happen to have a Tumblr, follow me at panleepanda.tumblr.com (:
That is all.
kthxbai!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
walls come tumbling down;
i'm not quite sure if a teacher is supposed to trust their students as much as my English teacher trusts me. not that i ever take advantage of her trust, but i am currently sitting in a classroom all alone with mrs. thomas' classroom key blogging while listening to my ipod, and i will be doing this for the next hour and twenty minutes. i'm also surprised that blogspot isn't blocked by the school. i suppose it isn't half as popular as tumblr is.
since my last blog, which was a while ago, things have turned around for me. i was actually reading through all of the blogs that i've posted since the beginning of this year on here, and they are nowhere near close to describing how i feel at this moment.
to begin describing how i feel, i have to explain why i feel this way. oh, where to begin. it just feels as if i have my whole life together, as well as myself.
i am officially standing a week and a half away from graduation day; and about two weeks away from attending school at westwood college in ontario to major in criminal justice. it's a bit funny, yet annoying, when people find out what i'm majoring in because they automatically ask if i'm interested in joining law enforcement, and my answer is always no. then they give me this odd look that questions why i chose that major.
majoring in criminal justice doesn't necessarily mean that you have to become some kind of probation officer or cop; studying criminal justice leads you into a wide range of fields from going into the forensic files to becoming a drug counselor. it all depends on what you work to do while you're in college.
momentarily, my mind is set on becoming some kind of counselor for teenagers-- not aschool counselor-- or possibly doing ballistic forensics. either seem great, but i would want to do further research on both to see which would be more of interest.
eagerness, excitement, and anxiety are overwhelming me at the moment. i'm excited that i finally feel as if though i have a plan for myself to have a better life than i ever had. i am nervous because a part of myself doesn't want to trust me, but a new part of me is keeping me motivated to make an effort.
i really do feel like i have this new part of myself growing inside of me as well. this is a new part of me that i don't recognize. i currently feel like i can do anything. i am confident. i feel like everything is going to turn out to be great. perhaps it's just a phase that everyone succumbs to when they just turn eighteen or are graduating from high school? if it is a phase, then i really hope it lasts forever if that's what it is.
i will also be working with my family on improving our living conditions, as well as making an effort to buy a car for myself. we are in an urgent need for one. all of this hard work will be occuring very soon. i am ecstatic for this all to work out.
since my last blog, which was a while ago, things have turned around for me. i was actually reading through all of the blogs that i've posted since the beginning of this year on here, and they are nowhere near close to describing how i feel at this moment.
to begin describing how i feel, i have to explain why i feel this way. oh, where to begin. it just feels as if i have my whole life together, as well as myself.
i am officially standing a week and a half away from graduation day; and about two weeks away from attending school at westwood college in ontario to major in criminal justice. it's a bit funny, yet annoying, when people find out what i'm majoring in because they automatically ask if i'm interested in joining law enforcement, and my answer is always no. then they give me this odd look that questions why i chose that major.
majoring in criminal justice doesn't necessarily mean that you have to become some kind of probation officer or cop; studying criminal justice leads you into a wide range of fields from going into the forensic files to becoming a drug counselor. it all depends on what you work to do while you're in college.
momentarily, my mind is set on becoming some kind of counselor for teenagers-- not a
eagerness, excitement, and anxiety are overwhelming me at the moment. i'm excited that i finally feel as if though i have a plan for myself to have a better life than i ever had. i am nervous because a part of myself doesn't want to trust me, but a new part of me is keeping me motivated to make an effort.
i really do feel like i have this new part of myself growing inside of me as well. this is a new part of me that i don't recognize. i currently feel like i can do anything. i am confident. i feel like everything is going to turn out to be great. perhaps it's just a phase that everyone succumbs to when they just turn eighteen or are graduating from high school? if it is a phase, then i really hope it lasts forever if that's what it is.
i will also be working with my family on improving our living conditions, as well as making an effort to buy a car for myself. we are in an urgent need for one. all of this hard work will be occuring very soon. i am ecstatic for this all to work out.
Monday, March 29, 2010
a human;
i know that i said that i was only going to express myself positively, but i am only human, and if i can't express myself in a reasonable way with people, then i'll just do it here.
at the moment, i want many things. i'm tired. and i feel suffocated. trying to stay optimistic when i haven't seen andy in over a week makes it a lot more difficult than it really is. and realistically, it's a bit exhausting.
for some reason, it's like i can sustain a constant optimistic streak throughout the day if i'm letting myself be distracted, but when night time comes, and everyone is asleep, my mind is up and running the most. i let my insecurities just go crazy, and i don't know how to stop it. and what makes it even harder is that it keeps me from having a goodnight's sleep. i'm tired of nightmares, and my anxiety is really beginning to freighten me.
i'm stressed, and i'm afraid to be where i was six months ago all over again..
no. i won't go there.
overall, i think i'm just not being patient enough. the thing is i have a lot to look forward to, so i'm excited. but the excitement is causing me to become impatient.
i also think that i let it slip my mind that God is there, and He wants me to be patient. i will convince my family to go to church. at least this weekend since it's easter. i really think that's where i need to be right now.
oh, gosh, i sound like i'm just being negative or complaining, but the truth is, i'm just trying not to relive what i was a few months ago.
at the moment, i want many things. i'm tired. and i feel suffocated. trying to stay optimistic when i haven't seen andy in over a week makes it a lot more difficult than it really is. and realistically, it's a bit exhausting.
for some reason, it's like i can sustain a constant optimistic streak throughout the day if i'm letting myself be distracted, but when night time comes, and everyone is asleep, my mind is up and running the most. i let my insecurities just go crazy, and i don't know how to stop it. and what makes it even harder is that it keeps me from having a goodnight's sleep. i'm tired of nightmares, and my anxiety is really beginning to freighten me.
i'm stressed, and i'm afraid to be where i was six months ago all over again..
no. i won't go there.
overall, i think i'm just not being patient enough. the thing is i have a lot to look forward to, so i'm excited. but the excitement is causing me to become impatient.
i also think that i let it slip my mind that God is there, and He wants me to be patient. i will convince my family to go to church. at least this weekend since it's easter. i really think that's where i need to be right now.
oh, gosh, i sound like i'm just being negative or complaining, but the truth is, i'm just trying not to relive what i was a few months ago.
Friday, March 19, 2010
on learning;
Today, something hit me quite hard and it goes by the name of 'graduation'. Just that one simple word contains so many different meanings for me. Or for anyone really. The definition to the word 'graduate' in the
dictionary is to 'academically pass a certain level of education'. I'm not saying it's wrong, but in my mind, 'graduation' is an end and a beginning. Not only are students all over the world just 'academically achieving in passing a level of education', but many, in these four years, have began learning, if not, learned who they are.
For most, four years in one high school with mostly the same students is a huge part of life. So many memories are made in just those four years. Maybe you were the kid who started off a bit rocky and then
improved as the years went on. Or you were the one who drove your teacher to tears. Or the one who started off great and then ended up at continuation school. Maybe you were the social butterfly, or thehead cheerleader, or apart of the academic team, or maybe you decided not to be involved. Maybe you were a social outcast because you chose to be the whole four years. Or had a hard time fitting in. Or maybe you just didn't care. You went to school and did what you had to do and had your close group of friends all four years and that was that.
Whatever it is that you did, or whoever you decided to be was all up to you. But now, this person either dies and completely changes, or grows into something better or worse. Truth is, whatever happened those four years generally stays there, unless you committed a murder or some type of shenanigan that will follow you for the rest of your life. But at the same time, what you learned from who you were in high school all becomes a part of who you are in life.
In psychology, I learned that middle school was supposed to be the years where you try different things to find who you are, and high school is less of that. I beg to differ. High school is the years where we experiment the most. Well, some or most of us. It's the years where some of us make the most mistakes and either learn from them or worsen.
Today, I sat alone during fourth and fifth period as I typically do. I saw the same slideshow twice. It was only about six minutes long. The slideshow contained photographs of different clubs and events and groups of students at Rancho Verde sitting together with their friends, smiling, and having a good time eating their distasteful cafeteria food, and making memories. Six minutes of this and listening to other seniors talk and reminisce on how fun all these events and moments were almost brought tears to my eyes, and a bit of a pang to my heart, I have to admit.
Andy, Monica, choir, singing, performing, Andy's camera, spending days and nights and randomly going out with Andy, music, writing/blogging... these are most of the main things my high school years consisted of. A lot of the time, I say and think that I don't care much about making friends, or that I'm better off by myself. I say that I just want high school to be done already. This, the majority of the time, is partially true because the times that it's not, I feel the same pang that I felt today when I'm sitting alone during lunch, or sitting quietly in the back of the class, or even when I hear talk of prom, or gradnite. And i guess i must admit that a bit of anger grows inside of me as well when this pang occurs. When these times happen, I want to cover my ears and close my eyes so that way when I open them, it's weeks after graduation already.
So, in a way, I guess i can give in to the idea that I'm a bit intimidated by this word 'graduation'. Not afraid in the way that I don't want to face it, but in the way that I just want to get it over with. I want to fast forward all of the tears, and pangs my heart is going to bring upon my family and even me the last few weeks of school. Because regardless of my recognition to the fact that I can get through this with a smile by the end of the day, it's the work to get my smile going that I dread to face.
My high school years weren't anything special. Maybe they could have been simpler or easier, but i'm not sure if there's anything i could have done to fix it. There was a lot of tears, pain, and anger. Lots of peculiar things. Downfalls mostly. Some drama. No. I take that back. There was more drama than just 'some'. But I did learn a lot.
These past four years consisted of 'everything happens for a reason', 'things can be worse', 'patience is the key to life', and 'whatever it takes'. These four quotes have helped carry me throughout these long, yet short years.
Sure enough, there is a reason for everything. Nothing happens at random. Ever. Pay close attention and you'll soon figure it out.
Things can always be so much worse than what you're going through. Trust me. Just because you didn't get the shoes you wanted, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Remember, there's always a person out there who wishes they even owned at least one pair of shoes.
Rushing things never gets the job done right. It's like this; it takes time and work for most healthy babies to develop in a womb. Nine months. Yes, for most women it becomes painful and annoying, but it all pays off in the end. What use is it for a baby to come early if it's going to be in the hospital the majority of it's childhood, if not, for most of it's life even? Sometimes, waiting doesn't work the first time, but maybe it's not your turn yet. You just have to be more patient.
Do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be. Plain and simple.
I will take these learned facts with me. Anywhere after graduation. And I'm leaving behind all of the pain. The tears. The downfalls. The anger. This time, it's my turn to make things better. After the last few weeks of pangs, I will it help make it better.
No, I did not have my close group of friends. I had Andy. My best and only friend. No, I did not have a stable home, but I had a roof on my head, food on my table, health, and my family. Yes, I moved to many
schools, but I met various amounts of interesting people that I can still name to this day.
Four years of pain also came with my smiles, and memories that I will always treasure. My last first kiss. My last first relationship. My first worry. My first real friendship. And so many other wonderful things. Not all of it was bad. But it sure wasn't easy. School was lonely, to be honest, a lot of the time after Andy graduated and I moved from Rialto High. I learned to build fences around me, and I forgot how to be a good friend. A lot of the time, it just felt that distancing myself from people was the best way to avoid unnessecary issues. And it worked. But it left me a bit curious.
Now, the end of senior year is here. Graduation is thirty-nine school days away from now. A tiny part of me wants to fast forward the end of the year to avoid missing what I never had. A part of me wonders if this is my fault, but the other is ignoring that side of me and ready to move forward.
I can't say that I regret not doing anything, because I have my reasons for whatever it is I've done. I know that I will continue to grow from this. And so will everyone else. As i've said before, make the best of your 'mistakes' in life. It's the only way that we can live with them.
We've learned, are learning, and will continue learning. There's no looking back now. We look forward now, and without knowledge of it, we are walking hand in hand, chins up, together on a journey toward the
same thing.
dictionary is to 'academically pass a certain level of education'. I'm not saying it's wrong, but in my mind, 'graduation' is an end and a beginning. Not only are students all over the world just 'academically achieving in passing a level of education', but many, in these four years, have began learning, if not, learned who they are.
For most, four years in one high school with mostly the same students is a huge part of life. So many memories are made in just those four years. Maybe you were the kid who started off a bit rocky and then
improved as the years went on. Or you were the one who drove your teacher to tears. Or the one who started off great and then ended up at continuation school. Maybe you were the social butterfly, or thehead cheerleader, or apart of the academic team, or maybe you decided not to be involved. Maybe you were a social outcast because you chose to be the whole four years. Or had a hard time fitting in. Or maybe you just didn't care. You went to school and did what you had to do and had your close group of friends all four years and that was that.
Whatever it is that you did, or whoever you decided to be was all up to you. But now, this person either dies and completely changes, or grows into something better or worse. Truth is, whatever happened those four years generally stays there, unless you committed a murder or some type of shenanigan that will follow you for the rest of your life. But at the same time, what you learned from who you were in high school all becomes a part of who you are in life.
In psychology, I learned that middle school was supposed to be the years where you try different things to find who you are, and high school is less of that. I beg to differ. High school is the years where we experiment the most. Well, some or most of us. It's the years where some of us make the most mistakes and either learn from them or worsen.
Today, I sat alone during fourth and fifth period as I typically do. I saw the same slideshow twice. It was only about six minutes long. The slideshow contained photographs of different clubs and events and groups of students at Rancho Verde sitting together with their friends, smiling, and having a good time eating their distasteful cafeteria food, and making memories. Six minutes of this and listening to other seniors talk and reminisce on how fun all these events and moments were almost brought tears to my eyes, and a bit of a pang to my heart, I have to admit.
Andy, Monica, choir, singing, performing, Andy's camera, spending days and nights and randomly going out with Andy, music, writing/blogging... these are most of the main things my high school years consisted of. A lot of the time, I say and think that I don't care much about making friends, or that I'm better off by myself. I say that I just want high school to be done already. This, the majority of the time, is partially true because the times that it's not, I feel the same pang that I felt today when I'm sitting alone during lunch, or sitting quietly in the back of the class, or even when I hear talk of prom, or gradnite. And i guess i must admit that a bit of anger grows inside of me as well when this pang occurs. When these times happen, I want to cover my ears and close my eyes so that way when I open them, it's weeks after graduation already.
So, in a way, I guess i can give in to the idea that I'm a bit intimidated by this word 'graduation'. Not afraid in the way that I don't want to face it, but in the way that I just want to get it over with. I want to fast forward all of the tears, and pangs my heart is going to bring upon my family and even me the last few weeks of school. Because regardless of my recognition to the fact that I can get through this with a smile by the end of the day, it's the work to get my smile going that I dread to face.
My high school years weren't anything special. Maybe they could have been simpler or easier, but i'm not sure if there's anything i could have done to fix it. There was a lot of tears, pain, and anger. Lots of peculiar things. Downfalls mostly. Some drama. No. I take that back. There was more drama than just 'some'. But I did learn a lot.
These past four years consisted of 'everything happens for a reason', 'things can be worse', 'patience is the key to life', and 'whatever it takes'. These four quotes have helped carry me throughout these long, yet short years.
Sure enough, there is a reason for everything. Nothing happens at random. Ever. Pay close attention and you'll soon figure it out.
Things can always be so much worse than what you're going through. Trust me. Just because you didn't get the shoes you wanted, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Remember, there's always a person out there who wishes they even owned at least one pair of shoes.
Rushing things never gets the job done right. It's like this; it takes time and work for most healthy babies to develop in a womb. Nine months. Yes, for most women it becomes painful and annoying, but it all pays off in the end. What use is it for a baby to come early if it's going to be in the hospital the majority of it's childhood, if not, for most of it's life even? Sometimes, waiting doesn't work the first time, but maybe it's not your turn yet. You just have to be more patient.
Do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be. Plain and simple.
I will take these learned facts with me. Anywhere after graduation. And I'm leaving behind all of the pain. The tears. The downfalls. The anger. This time, it's my turn to make things better. After the last few weeks of pangs, I will it help make it better.
No, I did not have my close group of friends. I had Andy. My best and only friend. No, I did not have a stable home, but I had a roof on my head, food on my table, health, and my family. Yes, I moved to many
schools, but I met various amounts of interesting people that I can still name to this day.
Four years of pain also came with my smiles, and memories that I will always treasure. My last first kiss. My last first relationship. My first worry. My first real friendship. And so many other wonderful things. Not all of it was bad. But it sure wasn't easy. School was lonely, to be honest, a lot of the time after Andy graduated and I moved from Rialto High. I learned to build fences around me, and I forgot how to be a good friend. A lot of the time, it just felt that distancing myself from people was the best way to avoid unnessecary issues. And it worked. But it left me a bit curious.
Now, the end of senior year is here. Graduation is thirty-nine school days away from now. A tiny part of me wants to fast forward the end of the year to avoid missing what I never had. A part of me wonders if this is my fault, but the other is ignoring that side of me and ready to move forward.
I can't say that I regret not doing anything, because I have my reasons for whatever it is I've done. I know that I will continue to grow from this. And so will everyone else. As i've said before, make the best of your 'mistakes' in life. It's the only way that we can live with them.
We've learned, are learning, and will continue learning. There's no looking back now. We look forward now, and without knowledge of it, we are walking hand in hand, chins up, together on a journey toward the
same thing.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
blessed;
days pass by, and i'm still having a hard time figuring out where i went right. i'm not complaining, but overall, life has been really good. my love life has been rebuilt all over again, and things at home are gradually progressing for me and my family. my life feels like it's going to be making a 180 not very long from now.
patience really does pay off.
sure, there are days when i just get frusterated and want things to go by so much faster, but at the end of those days, i'll sit back and count my blessings, and pray for a better day.
family is my number one blessing. i don't know what i would do or where i would be without them. my parents are the strongest two people i know. have stuck by my brother and sisters and me through it all even when we've put them through the worst. and of course, andy has been my strength, my best friend, my love, and support, and happiness. i can't picture life without him.
family is my number one blessing. i love them. even when we all feel like everything's falling apart or we just want to be away from each other for a while, at the end of the day we all stick by one another. i have no idea what we would do if we let ourselves break.
now that i think about it, family at this point is my first, last, and only blessing.
patience really does pay off.
sure, there are days when i just get frusterated and want things to go by so much faster, but at the end of those days, i'll sit back and count my blessings, and pray for a better day.
family is my number one blessing. i don't know what i would do or where i would be without them. my parents are the strongest two people i know. have stuck by my brother and sisters and me through it all even when we've put them through the worst. and of course, andy has been my strength, my best friend, my love, and support, and happiness. i can't picture life without him.
family is my number one blessing. i love them. even when we all feel like everything's falling apart or we just want to be away from each other for a while, at the end of the day we all stick by one another. i have no idea what we would do if we let ourselves break.
now that i think about it, family at this point is my first, last, and only blessing.
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