a human;

i know that i said that i was only going to express myself positively, but i am only human, and if i can't express myself in a reasonable way with people, then i'll just do it here.

at the moment, i want many things. i'm tired. and i feel suffocated. trying to stay optimistic when i haven't seen andy in over a week makes it a lot more difficult than it really is. and realistically, it's a bit exhausting.

for some reason, it's like i can sustain a constant optimistic streak throughout the day if i'm letting myself be distracted, but when night time comes, and everyone is asleep, my mind is up and running the most. i let my insecurities just go crazy, and i don't know how to stop it. and what makes it even harder is that it keeps me from having a goodnight's sleep. i'm tired of nightmares, and my anxiety is really beginning to freighten me.

i'm stressed, and i'm afraid to be where i was six months ago all over again..

no. i won't go there.

overall, i think i'm just not being patient enough. the thing is i have a lot to look forward to, so i'm excited. but the excitement is causing me to become impatient.

i also think that i let it slip my mind that God is there, and He wants me to be patient. i will convince my family to go to church. at least this weekend since it's easter. i really think that's where i need to be right now.

oh, gosh, i sound like i'm just being negative or complaining, but the truth is, i'm just trying not to relive what i was a few months ago.