"it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all."

-ALFRED LORD TENNYSON

"why are you so angry all the time now? why do you snap so easily? you didn't used to be like this... what happened?..."

-THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU MOST

all that we've done and a bag of smiles;

so this morning, i woke up feeling a bit depressed. i wasn't quite sure why, but i just did not feel like talking. i went through my whole morning like i belonged to the happy hands club (aka a club for sign language speakers at chaffey high).

at first, i just wanted to shrug it off to get through my day easier, but before i knew it, it felt like everyone was bombarding me with their questions like 'what's wrong?' and 'are you okay?' and 'why are you so quiet today?', so it just became almost impossible for me to shrug it off. i went through periods one through four feeling like this. and it only made me more angry when people asked those questions because i would either say 'nothing, i'm fine' with the fakest smile you would know, or 'i'm just tired', which was partially true. the other part of the truth, i honestly did not know.

i felt somewhat empty on the inside. i felt like i was missing andy too much. and then monica. and then another part was missing rialto high. and another chaffey. and another ontario. and another my old little house in rancho cucamonga. and i was just confused. i went home still feeling quiet, and dismal.

about an hour after i got home and had eaten, all of the kids were outside in the backyard playing, and for once in a short while, i heard silence. then it hit me. i was feeling homesick. and it hit me again. on valentine's day, it's going to be exactly a year that andy and i were on our way out and my mom had told me we had to move out of her friend's house soon, and she and my dad had no idea where we were headed.

i remember i was fixing the roses andy had bought for me and was about to rush out the door when my mom called me in and asked me to sit down. with tears in her eyes, she explained why we had to move, and i quietly nodded my head, leaned over to give her a hug, told her i understood, and fighting back tears, i promised her that everything was going to be okay. i remember i had felt surprised that i didn't cry. in a way, i kind of believe that it was because i was distracted that day because andy and i were on our way out on a special day, but i'm still not quite sure.

anyhow, the point is that i'm homesick and i was hoping that this feeling doesn't get too strong because i don't want to end up like i was a few months ago. i even thought that at one point i was going to break down today, but instead, i ended up laughing, smiling, and crying, but for a different reason.

i read monica's blog at boomitsmonica.tumblr.com, and it brought so many memories, laughter, smiles, and tears to my eyes. she and i have come a long way since her senior year and my sophomore year. the pictures she put on her blog happen to be old pictures from 2007, and i sadly didn't have any, so she let me copy them to my photobucket.

looking through all of those memories took hours, but it honestly felt like i had entered a time machine. so many memories ran through my mind right when i saw them. and the ones she has on her photobucket accounts are only half of what we used to take. i can't imagine how many more she will upload later on! clicking through pictures and pictures, i laughed, smiled, and teared up. i even found old pictures of andy and me, hence the last blog i posted.

i came to thinking how amazing memories are. how intriguing it is that one memory can contain so many emotions and words. sometimes, people ask the question 'if you could be put into a time machine, what would you go back in time and fix?', but to be honest, if i had a time machine, i wouldn't fix anything. if i were ever offered a time machine, i would use it to relive memories instead of redoing them.

i don't regret what i do. i believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe that my most embarrassing moments were supposed to happen the way that they did. i believe that i was supposed to make the mistakes i made for a reason. everything that we do in this life is for one good reason. and that reason, we all will know when the time is right. no matter how bad the decision was that we made or how embarrassing it was to walk around with a stain on your shirt that you were oblivious about, we should never want to take it back.

make a positive out of your negative. even if the negative you made was one that changed your life forever. don't regret it, and dwell on it. move forward and try to make it better. if we all do this, in the end, our bodies will lie motionless and emotionless six feet under, but our spirits will remain with all that we've done, and a bag of smiles.   

Valentines Day 2008;

oh, my love, how far we've come along since this day. this was a bit after our first one month anniversary. i remember this day like it was yesterday. we were experiencing our first argument. haha. but like the 'amazing' performers that we are, we pulled it off fairly well. this wasn't exactly valentine's day either, but we had been arguing for a few days, and then made up on valentine's day. you were my first valentine and hopefully my last. i'll never forget it. 

looking through old photos of you and me really does make me tear up a little bit. especially around special times like these. i find this photo in particular to be a coincidence that i came across it. it was just kind of interesting to me that i found it when valentine's day is just around the corner. 

two years ago, i don't think that either one of us knew what we were getting ourselves into. two years and almost a month later, we remain standing with so many blissful memories. from laughter to tears to performances and so many other adventures we've come across, whether they were good or bad, we're still here. 

i know that i'm not the easiest person to love or be with, because sometimes, i honestly don't understand myself yet, but looking at this, i can't help but notice how young we were. yes, we're both still learning a lot, and growing up, but look at far how we've come, baby. two years and a month later after so much, we remain together, and i honestly cannot say that i would have wanted to experience anything we've gone through with anybody else.

i've said it way too many times before, but i honestly don't know where i would be without you. you have done so much more than just be my boyfriend. you have been my best friend, watching out for me through it all and ready to catch me at all times even before i begin to fall. and although you can't be here like you were before, i know you are always by my side through it all just as i am for you.

i know that things aren't the same as they were before because of this redundant distance, but if we keep working together, use our patience the way we're supposed to, and keep our faith, everything will have been for the best. it is difficult not being able to see you everyday like i used to, but i don't quit, and i know that you don't either. so for now, baby love, i leave you with one thing i have to say:

"...i've promises to keep and

a million apologies to the life to you i gave

but i know that God made it no mistake

i'll continue to grow

i'll continue to bleed

i'll continue to fight

for i know it is my deed

i will not quit

my love will not die

a soldier is what you long for

and your soldier is what am i

i will not quarrel

i will not cry

my love, my dear, a daily battle is what i fight

for you, my only treasure, i will give my life

i stand at the edge and i'm ready to fall

but i know that this is not the end at all

another 'once upon a time' is what we do have

so give me this chance and continue to hold me tight

don't let me go, and watch as i fly..."

i'm sure you've probably read this before, baby. i originally wrote it a few months ago, and it's a part of a longer, depressing poem, but now, this is the only part that matters. you and i have been through the biggest storms in the deepest parts of the seas together, and i just ask for you to hold on to me like you did before. it may become dificult at times, but i know it deep down in my heart that this is all for our future. a future that we will never regret, just like our past.

i love&miss you, andy jonathan guzman, like you'll never know. here's to a whole new chapter in our life. a whole new 'you&me'. one brand new performance that penguin&panda are rehearsing for...

 

Always January 8th of 2008<333

boom! it really is monica;

regardless of how weird our personalities can be, whether we're being all menstrual toward or 'molesting' each other on your queen-sized bed, we have a bond that i don't believe many can say they share with anyone really. especially a family member.

growing up together, we weren't always close, but living together for almost a year definitely changed that. and attending high school together made an even bigger difference.

i remember when i first walked into rialto high, i was so negative about it. i constantly complained and would find any excuse to just bring that school down and make myself more miserable. but to be honest, i don't know how i would have survived being a new kid all over again if you hadn't walked in right by my side. and even with my constant complaining, you didn't walk away from me, you simply held my hand through it all without doing anything less, but helping me get through it.   

little by little i began to walk on my own all over again. i began to build my semi-social life, and we began to drift apart all over again. for a few un-named reasons, we became angry, and unfortunately wasted about almost a year being angry toward each other. i remember i would tear up looking through old pictures we had taken, which i'm sad to say i can't find anywhere on this computer. we had so many, many great times together. from swimming in your pool in the summer; having barbeques almost every weekend at your house; staying over until odd hours of the night laughing, gossiping, watching movies; and when i moved in we went to charburgers across from school; stayed after school for your cheer practices; homecoming game; wannabe photoshoots on your lawn; watched and played out movies and songs as well; and we just did so many other things, it would fortunately take too long to list.  

up until now, i cannot believe how immature we were to have wasted almost a whole year without talking and being angry over something so stupid, but thank God that now, we're okay, possibly better than ever, inseperable all over again, and even closer than before.  

i can honestly say that even though we're supposed to be cousins, you are more like the big sister i never had in a different way. we molest each other, share clothes kind of, fix each other's hair, make fun of each other, support one another, respect one other's opinions, don't judge each other, cry together, get mad at each other, beat up on and make fun of andy, but best, most importantly, and most of all, we laugh loud and last together. that's my favorite. no matter what the circumstances, 96% of the time, we remain with the loudest laugh, and even though we have people telling us that we're too loud, we're never too loud for each other.

 

too many have and will wish for what we have. and that's a friendship that nobody can come through, because, well, for one, we're always going to be blood-related, but two, because we're simply that awesome. we're 'two lone-wolves walking the streets of vegas searching for cocaine and strippers'; we both 'raise our hands because we think our brothers are homos'. and most of all, even though we think we're really different a lot of the time, we're not. we help each other even when we don't know it. i thank God that things got better between us, because i honestly don't know how i would have gotten through these past few months without you. you were part of the reason i didn't fall apart. and i want to say 'thank you' for that. thank you for being there when nobody else was. i think by now you know that i love you, and that i can't wait to have your sex!

Now, we look forward to nothing but sexual sundays, listening and singing along to meg&dia and lights, playing monopoly&clue with rene and andy, and just making more blissful memories with our incestful and pervertive minds. we're growing up so fast and soon, we'll be sitting down like our parents do every sunday watching our kids laugh and molest themselves. i honestly look forward to it, haha (; miss you, love you, and see you soon!<33

before i die;

Stephen Christian;

the most amazing writer that i've ever read and heard about. he's honestly inspired me, and his writing has helped me through music, and his stories.

Hayley Williams;

it's so easy to look up to her. amazing performer, voice, musician, writer, and overall person. i hope to one day have the confidence and energy she does when i'm onstage or simply talking to others. she inspires me to keep on performing, and pushing myself.