all that we've done and a bag of smiles;

so this morning, i woke up feeling a bit depressed. i wasn't quite sure why, but i just did not feel like talking. i went through my whole morning like i belonged to the happy hands club (aka a club for sign language speakers at chaffey high).

at first, i just wanted to shrug it off to get through my day easier, but before i knew it, it felt like everyone was bombarding me with their questions like 'what's wrong?' and 'are you okay?' and 'why are you so quiet today?', so it just became almost impossible for me to shrug it off. i went through periods one through four feeling like this. and it only made me more angry when people asked those questions because i would either say 'nothing, i'm fine' with the fakest smile you would know, or 'i'm just tired', which was partially true. the other part of the truth, i honestly did not know.

i felt somewhat empty on the inside. i felt like i was missing andy too much. and then monica. and then another part was missing rialto high. and another chaffey. and another ontario. and another my old little house in rancho cucamonga. and i was just confused. i went home still feeling quiet, and dismal.

about an hour after i got home and had eaten, all of the kids were outside in the backyard playing, and for once in a short while, i heard silence. then it hit me. i was feeling homesick. and it hit me again. on valentine's day, it's going to be exactly a year that andy and i were on our way out and my mom had told me we had to move out of her friend's house soon, and she and my dad had no idea where we were headed.

i remember i was fixing the roses andy had bought for me and was about to rush out the door when my mom called me in and asked me to sit down. with tears in her eyes, she explained why we had to move, and i quietly nodded my head, leaned over to give her a hug, told her i understood, and fighting back tears, i promised her that everything was going to be okay. i remember i had felt surprised that i didn't cry. in a way, i kind of believe that it was because i was distracted that day because andy and i were on our way out on a special day, but i'm still not quite sure.

anyhow, the point is that i'm homesick and i was hoping that this feeling doesn't get too strong because i don't want to end up like i was a few months ago. i even thought that at one point i was going to break down today, but instead, i ended up laughing, smiling, and crying, but for a different reason.

i read monica's blog at boomitsmonica.tumblr.com, and it brought so many memories, laughter, smiles, and tears to my eyes. she and i have come a long way since her senior year and my sophomore year. the pictures she put on her blog happen to be old pictures from 2007, and i sadly didn't have any, so she let me copy them to my photobucket.

looking through all of those memories took hours, but it honestly felt like i had entered a time machine. so many memories ran through my mind right when i saw them. and the ones she has on her photobucket accounts are only half of what we used to take. i can't imagine how many more she will upload later on! clicking through pictures and pictures, i laughed, smiled, and teared up. i even found old pictures of andy and me, hence the last blog i posted.

i came to thinking how amazing memories are. how intriguing it is that one memory can contain so many emotions and words. sometimes, people ask the question 'if you could be put into a time machine, what would you go back in time and fix?', but to be honest, if i had a time machine, i wouldn't fix anything. if i were ever offered a time machine, i would use it to relive memories instead of redoing them.

i don't regret what i do. i believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe that my most embarrassing moments were supposed to happen the way that they did. i believe that i was supposed to make the mistakes i made for a reason. everything that we do in this life is for one good reason. and that reason, we all will know when the time is right. no matter how bad the decision was that we made or how embarrassing it was to walk around with a stain on your shirt that you were oblivious about, we should never want to take it back.

make a positive out of your negative. even if the negative you made was one that changed your life forever. don't regret it, and dwell on it. move forward and try to make it better. if we all do this, in the end, our bodies will lie motionless and emotionless six feet under, but our spirits will remain with all that we've done, and a bag of smiles.