i know that i said that i was only going to express myself positively, but i am only human, and if i can't express myself in a reasonable way with people, then i'll just do it here.
at the moment, i want many things. i'm tired. and i feel suffocated. trying to stay optimistic when i haven't seen andy in over a week makes it a lot more difficult than it really is. and realistically, it's a bit exhausting.
for some reason, it's like i can sustain a constant optimistic streak throughout the day if i'm letting myself be distracted, but when night time comes, and everyone is asleep, my mind is up and running the most. i let my insecurities just go crazy, and i don't know how to stop it. and what makes it even harder is that it keeps me from having a goodnight's sleep. i'm tired of nightmares, and my anxiety is really beginning to freighten me.
i'm stressed, and i'm afraid to be where i was six months ago all over again..
no. i won't go there.
overall, i think i'm just not being patient enough. the thing is i have a lot to look forward to, so i'm excited. but the excitement is causing me to become impatient.
i also think that i let it slip my mind that God is there, and He wants me to be patient. i will convince my family to go to church. at least this weekend since it's easter. i really think that's where i need to be right now.
oh, gosh, i sound like i'm just being negative or complaining, but the truth is, i'm just trying not to relive what i was a few months ago.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
on learning;
Today, something hit me quite hard and it goes by the name of 'graduation'. Just that one simple word contains so many different meanings for me. Or for anyone really. The definition to the word 'graduate' in the
dictionary is to 'academically pass a certain level of education'. I'm not saying it's wrong, but in my mind, 'graduation' is an end and a beginning. Not only are students all over the world just 'academically achieving in passing a level of education', but many, in these four years, have began learning, if not, learned who they are.
For most, four years in one high school with mostly the same students is a huge part of life. So many memories are made in just those four years. Maybe you were the kid who started off a bit rocky and then
improved as the years went on. Or you were the one who drove your teacher to tears. Or the one who started off great and then ended up at continuation school. Maybe you were the social butterfly, or thehead cheerleader, or apart of the academic team, or maybe you decided not to be involved. Maybe you were a social outcast because you chose to be the whole four years. Or had a hard time fitting in. Or maybe you just didn't care. You went to school and did what you had to do and had your close group of friends all four years and that was that.
Whatever it is that you did, or whoever you decided to be was all up to you. But now, this person either dies and completely changes, or grows into something better or worse. Truth is, whatever happened those four years generally stays there, unless you committed a murder or some type of shenanigan that will follow you for the rest of your life. But at the same time, what you learned from who you were in high school all becomes a part of who you are in life.
In psychology, I learned that middle school was supposed to be the years where you try different things to find who you are, and high school is less of that. I beg to differ. High school is the years where we experiment the most. Well, some or most of us. It's the years where some of us make the most mistakes and either learn from them or worsen.
Today, I sat alone during fourth and fifth period as I typically do. I saw the same slideshow twice. It was only about six minutes long. The slideshow contained photographs of different clubs and events and groups of students at Rancho Verde sitting together with their friends, smiling, and having a good time eating their distasteful cafeteria food, and making memories. Six minutes of this and listening to other seniors talk and reminisce on how fun all these events and moments were almost brought tears to my eyes, and a bit of a pang to my heart, I have to admit.
Andy, Monica, choir, singing, performing, Andy's camera, spending days and nights and randomly going out with Andy, music, writing/blogging... these are most of the main things my high school years consisted of. A lot of the time, I say and think that I don't care much about making friends, or that I'm better off by myself. I say that I just want high school to be done already. This, the majority of the time, is partially true because the times that it's not, I feel the same pang that I felt today when I'm sitting alone during lunch, or sitting quietly in the back of the class, or even when I hear talk of prom, or gradnite. And i guess i must admit that a bit of anger grows inside of me as well when this pang occurs. When these times happen, I want to cover my ears and close my eyes so that way when I open them, it's weeks after graduation already.
So, in a way, I guess i can give in to the idea that I'm a bit intimidated by this word 'graduation'. Not afraid in the way that I don't want to face it, but in the way that I just want to get it over with. I want to fast forward all of the tears, and pangs my heart is going to bring upon my family and even me the last few weeks of school. Because regardless of my recognition to the fact that I can get through this with a smile by the end of the day, it's the work to get my smile going that I dread to face.
My high school years weren't anything special. Maybe they could have been simpler or easier, but i'm not sure if there's anything i could have done to fix it. There was a lot of tears, pain, and anger. Lots of peculiar things. Downfalls mostly. Some drama. No. I take that back. There was more drama than just 'some'. But I did learn a lot.
These past four years consisted of 'everything happens for a reason', 'things can be worse', 'patience is the key to life', and 'whatever it takes'. These four quotes have helped carry me throughout these long, yet short years.
Sure enough, there is a reason for everything. Nothing happens at random. Ever. Pay close attention and you'll soon figure it out.
Things can always be so much worse than what you're going through. Trust me. Just because you didn't get the shoes you wanted, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Remember, there's always a person out there who wishes they even owned at least one pair of shoes.
Rushing things never gets the job done right. It's like this; it takes time and work for most healthy babies to develop in a womb. Nine months. Yes, for most women it becomes painful and annoying, but it all pays off in the end. What use is it for a baby to come early if it's going to be in the hospital the majority of it's childhood, if not, for most of it's life even? Sometimes, waiting doesn't work the first time, but maybe it's not your turn yet. You just have to be more patient.
Do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be. Plain and simple.
I will take these learned facts with me. Anywhere after graduation. And I'm leaving behind all of the pain. The tears. The downfalls. The anger. This time, it's my turn to make things better. After the last few weeks of pangs, I will it help make it better.
No, I did not have my close group of friends. I had Andy. My best and only friend. No, I did not have a stable home, but I had a roof on my head, food on my table, health, and my family. Yes, I moved to many
schools, but I met various amounts of interesting people that I can still name to this day.
Four years of pain also came with my smiles, and memories that I will always treasure. My last first kiss. My last first relationship. My first worry. My first real friendship. And so many other wonderful things. Not all of it was bad. But it sure wasn't easy. School was lonely, to be honest, a lot of the time after Andy graduated and I moved from Rialto High. I learned to build fences around me, and I forgot how to be a good friend. A lot of the time, it just felt that distancing myself from people was the best way to avoid unnessecary issues. And it worked. But it left me a bit curious.
Now, the end of senior year is here. Graduation is thirty-nine school days away from now. A tiny part of me wants to fast forward the end of the year to avoid missing what I never had. A part of me wonders if this is my fault, but the other is ignoring that side of me and ready to move forward.
I can't say that I regret not doing anything, because I have my reasons for whatever it is I've done. I know that I will continue to grow from this. And so will everyone else. As i've said before, make the best of your 'mistakes' in life. It's the only way that we can live with them.
We've learned, are learning, and will continue learning. There's no looking back now. We look forward now, and without knowledge of it, we are walking hand in hand, chins up, together on a journey toward the
same thing.
dictionary is to 'academically pass a certain level of education'. I'm not saying it's wrong, but in my mind, 'graduation' is an end and a beginning. Not only are students all over the world just 'academically achieving in passing a level of education', but many, in these four years, have began learning, if not, learned who they are.
For most, four years in one high school with mostly the same students is a huge part of life. So many memories are made in just those four years. Maybe you were the kid who started off a bit rocky and then
improved as the years went on. Or you were the one who drove your teacher to tears. Or the one who started off great and then ended up at continuation school. Maybe you were the social butterfly, or thehead cheerleader, or apart of the academic team, or maybe you decided not to be involved. Maybe you were a social outcast because you chose to be the whole four years. Or had a hard time fitting in. Or maybe you just didn't care. You went to school and did what you had to do and had your close group of friends all four years and that was that.
Whatever it is that you did, or whoever you decided to be was all up to you. But now, this person either dies and completely changes, or grows into something better or worse. Truth is, whatever happened those four years generally stays there, unless you committed a murder or some type of shenanigan that will follow you for the rest of your life. But at the same time, what you learned from who you were in high school all becomes a part of who you are in life.
In psychology, I learned that middle school was supposed to be the years where you try different things to find who you are, and high school is less of that. I beg to differ. High school is the years where we experiment the most. Well, some or most of us. It's the years where some of us make the most mistakes and either learn from them or worsen.
Today, I sat alone during fourth and fifth period as I typically do. I saw the same slideshow twice. It was only about six minutes long. The slideshow contained photographs of different clubs and events and groups of students at Rancho Verde sitting together with their friends, smiling, and having a good time eating their distasteful cafeteria food, and making memories. Six minutes of this and listening to other seniors talk and reminisce on how fun all these events and moments were almost brought tears to my eyes, and a bit of a pang to my heart, I have to admit.
Andy, Monica, choir, singing, performing, Andy's camera, spending days and nights and randomly going out with Andy, music, writing/blogging... these are most of the main things my high school years consisted of. A lot of the time, I say and think that I don't care much about making friends, or that I'm better off by myself. I say that I just want high school to be done already. This, the majority of the time, is partially true because the times that it's not, I feel the same pang that I felt today when I'm sitting alone during lunch, or sitting quietly in the back of the class, or even when I hear talk of prom, or gradnite. And i guess i must admit that a bit of anger grows inside of me as well when this pang occurs. When these times happen, I want to cover my ears and close my eyes so that way when I open them, it's weeks after graduation already.
So, in a way, I guess i can give in to the idea that I'm a bit intimidated by this word 'graduation'. Not afraid in the way that I don't want to face it, but in the way that I just want to get it over with. I want to fast forward all of the tears, and pangs my heart is going to bring upon my family and even me the last few weeks of school. Because regardless of my recognition to the fact that I can get through this with a smile by the end of the day, it's the work to get my smile going that I dread to face.
My high school years weren't anything special. Maybe they could have been simpler or easier, but i'm not sure if there's anything i could have done to fix it. There was a lot of tears, pain, and anger. Lots of peculiar things. Downfalls mostly. Some drama. No. I take that back. There was more drama than just 'some'. But I did learn a lot.
These past four years consisted of 'everything happens for a reason', 'things can be worse', 'patience is the key to life', and 'whatever it takes'. These four quotes have helped carry me throughout these long, yet short years.
Sure enough, there is a reason for everything. Nothing happens at random. Ever. Pay close attention and you'll soon figure it out.
Things can always be so much worse than what you're going through. Trust me. Just because you didn't get the shoes you wanted, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Remember, there's always a person out there who wishes they even owned at least one pair of shoes.
Rushing things never gets the job done right. It's like this; it takes time and work for most healthy babies to develop in a womb. Nine months. Yes, for most women it becomes painful and annoying, but it all pays off in the end. What use is it for a baby to come early if it's going to be in the hospital the majority of it's childhood, if not, for most of it's life even? Sometimes, waiting doesn't work the first time, but maybe it's not your turn yet. You just have to be more patient.
Do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be. Plain and simple.
I will take these learned facts with me. Anywhere after graduation. And I'm leaving behind all of the pain. The tears. The downfalls. The anger. This time, it's my turn to make things better. After the last few weeks of pangs, I will it help make it better.
No, I did not have my close group of friends. I had Andy. My best and only friend. No, I did not have a stable home, but I had a roof on my head, food on my table, health, and my family. Yes, I moved to many
schools, but I met various amounts of interesting people that I can still name to this day.
Four years of pain also came with my smiles, and memories that I will always treasure. My last first kiss. My last first relationship. My first worry. My first real friendship. And so many other wonderful things. Not all of it was bad. But it sure wasn't easy. School was lonely, to be honest, a lot of the time after Andy graduated and I moved from Rialto High. I learned to build fences around me, and I forgot how to be a good friend. A lot of the time, it just felt that distancing myself from people was the best way to avoid unnessecary issues. And it worked. But it left me a bit curious.
Now, the end of senior year is here. Graduation is thirty-nine school days away from now. A tiny part of me wants to fast forward the end of the year to avoid missing what I never had. A part of me wonders if this is my fault, but the other is ignoring that side of me and ready to move forward.
I can't say that I regret not doing anything, because I have my reasons for whatever it is I've done. I know that I will continue to grow from this. And so will everyone else. As i've said before, make the best of your 'mistakes' in life. It's the only way that we can live with them.
We've learned, are learning, and will continue learning. There's no looking back now. We look forward now, and without knowledge of it, we are walking hand in hand, chins up, together on a journey toward the
same thing.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
blessed;
days pass by, and i'm still having a hard time figuring out where i went right. i'm not complaining, but overall, life has been really good. my love life has been rebuilt all over again, and things at home are gradually progressing for me and my family. my life feels like it's going to be making a 180 not very long from now.
patience really does pay off.
sure, there are days when i just get frusterated and want things to go by so much faster, but at the end of those days, i'll sit back and count my blessings, and pray for a better day.
family is my number one blessing. i don't know what i would do or where i would be without them. my parents are the strongest two people i know. have stuck by my brother and sisters and me through it all even when we've put them through the worst. and of course, andy has been my strength, my best friend, my love, and support, and happiness. i can't picture life without him.
family is my number one blessing. i love them. even when we all feel like everything's falling apart or we just want to be away from each other for a while, at the end of the day we all stick by one another. i have no idea what we would do if we let ourselves break.
now that i think about it, family at this point is my first, last, and only blessing.
patience really does pay off.
sure, there are days when i just get frusterated and want things to go by so much faster, but at the end of those days, i'll sit back and count my blessings, and pray for a better day.
family is my number one blessing. i don't know what i would do or where i would be without them. my parents are the strongest two people i know. have stuck by my brother and sisters and me through it all even when we've put them through the worst. and of course, andy has been my strength, my best friend, my love, and support, and happiness. i can't picture life without him.
family is my number one blessing. i love them. even when we all feel like everything's falling apart or we just want to be away from each other for a while, at the end of the day we all stick by one another. i have no idea what we would do if we let ourselves break.
now that i think about it, family at this point is my first, last, and only blessing.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
all that we've done and a bag of smiles;
so this morning, i woke up feeling a bit depressed. i wasn't quite sure why, but i just did not feel like talking. i went through my whole morning like i belonged to the happy hands club (aka a club for sign language speakers at chaffey high).
at first, i just wanted to shrug it off to get through my day easier, but before i knew it, it felt like everyone was bombarding me with their questions like 'what's wrong?' and 'are you okay?' and 'why are you so quiet today?', so it just became almost impossible for me to shrug it off. i went through periods one through four feeling like this. and it only made me more angry when people asked those questions because i would either say 'nothing, i'm fine' with the fakest smile you would know, or 'i'm just tired', which was partially true. the other part of the truth, i honestly did not know.
i felt somewhat empty on the inside. i felt like i was missing andy too much. and then monica. and then another part was missing rialto high. and another chaffey. and another ontario. and another my old little house in rancho cucamonga. and i was just confused. i went home still feeling quiet, and dismal.
about an hour after i got home and had eaten, all of the kids were outside in the backyard playing, and for once in a short while, i heard silence. then it hit me. i was feeling homesick. and it hit me again. on valentine's day, it's going to be exactly a year that andy and i were on our way out and my mom had told me we had to move out of her friend's house soon, and she and my dad had no idea where we were headed.
i remember i was fixing the roses andy had bought for me and was about to rush out the door when my mom called me in and asked me to sit down. with tears in her eyes, she explained why we had to move, and i quietly nodded my head, leaned over to give her a hug, told her i understood, and fighting back tears, i promised her that everything was going to be okay. i remember i had felt surprised that i didn't cry. in a way, i kind of believe that it was because i was distracted that day because andy and i were on our way out on a special day, but i'm still not quite sure.
anyhow, the point is that i'm homesick and i was hoping that this feeling doesn't get too strong because i don't want to end up like i was a few months ago. i even thought that at one point i was going to break down today, but instead, i ended up laughing, smiling, and crying, but for a different reason.
i read monica's blog at boomitsmonica.tumblr.com, and it brought so many memories, laughter, smiles, and tears to my eyes. she and i have come a long way since her senior year and my sophomore year. the pictures she put on her blog happen to be old pictures from 2007, and i sadly didn't have any, so she let me copy them to my photobucket.
looking through all of those memories took hours, but it honestly felt like i had entered a time machine. so many memories ran through my mind right when i saw them. and the ones she has on her photobucket accounts are only half of what we used to take. i can't imagine how many more she will upload later on! clicking through pictures and pictures, i laughed, smiled, and teared up. i even found old pictures of andy and me, hence the last blog i posted.
i came to thinking how amazing memories are. how intriguing it is that one memory can contain so many emotions and words. sometimes, people ask the question 'if you could be put into a time machine, what would you go back in time and fix?', but to be honest, if i had a time machine, i wouldn't fix anything. if i were ever offered a time machine, i would use it to relive memories instead of redoing them.
i don't regret what i do. i believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe that my most embarrassing moments were supposed to happen the way that they did. i believe that i was supposed to make the mistakes i made for a reason. everything that we do in this life is for one good reason. and that reason, we all will know when the time is right. no matter how bad the decision was that we made or how embarrassing it was to walk around with a stain on your shirt that you were oblivious about, we should never want to take it back.
make a positive out of your negative. even if the negative you made was one that changed your life forever. don't regret it, and dwell on it. move forward and try to make it better. if we all do this, in the end, our bodies will lie motionless and emotionless six feet under, but our spirits will remain with all that we've done, and a bag of smiles.
at first, i just wanted to shrug it off to get through my day easier, but before i knew it, it felt like everyone was bombarding me with their questions like 'what's wrong?' and 'are you okay?' and 'why are you so quiet today?', so it just became almost impossible for me to shrug it off. i went through periods one through four feeling like this. and it only made me more angry when people asked those questions because i would either say 'nothing, i'm fine' with the fakest smile you would know, or 'i'm just tired', which was partially true. the other part of the truth, i honestly did not know.
i felt somewhat empty on the inside. i felt like i was missing andy too much. and then monica. and then another part was missing rialto high. and another chaffey. and another ontario. and another my old little house in rancho cucamonga. and i was just confused. i went home still feeling quiet, and dismal.
about an hour after i got home and had eaten, all of the kids were outside in the backyard playing, and for once in a short while, i heard silence. then it hit me. i was feeling homesick. and it hit me again. on valentine's day, it's going to be exactly a year that andy and i were on our way out and my mom had told me we had to move out of her friend's house soon, and she and my dad had no idea where we were headed.
i remember i was fixing the roses andy had bought for me and was about to rush out the door when my mom called me in and asked me to sit down. with tears in her eyes, she explained why we had to move, and i quietly nodded my head, leaned over to give her a hug, told her i understood, and fighting back tears, i promised her that everything was going to be okay. i remember i had felt surprised that i didn't cry. in a way, i kind of believe that it was because i was distracted that day because andy and i were on our way out on a special day, but i'm still not quite sure.
anyhow, the point is that i'm homesick and i was hoping that this feeling doesn't get too strong because i don't want to end up like i was a few months ago. i even thought that at one point i was going to break down today, but instead, i ended up laughing, smiling, and crying, but for a different reason.
i read monica's blog at boomitsmonica.tumblr.com, and it brought so many memories, laughter, smiles, and tears to my eyes. she and i have come a long way since her senior year and my sophomore year. the pictures she put on her blog happen to be old pictures from 2007, and i sadly didn't have any, so she let me copy them to my photobucket.
looking through all of those memories took hours, but it honestly felt like i had entered a time machine. so many memories ran through my mind right when i saw them. and the ones she has on her photobucket accounts are only half of what we used to take. i can't imagine how many more she will upload later on! clicking through pictures and pictures, i laughed, smiled, and teared up. i even found old pictures of andy and me, hence the last blog i posted.
i came to thinking how amazing memories are. how intriguing it is that one memory can contain so many emotions and words. sometimes, people ask the question 'if you could be put into a time machine, what would you go back in time and fix?', but to be honest, if i had a time machine, i wouldn't fix anything. if i were ever offered a time machine, i would use it to relive memories instead of redoing them.
i don't regret what i do. i believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe that my most embarrassing moments were supposed to happen the way that they did. i believe that i was supposed to make the mistakes i made for a reason. everything that we do in this life is for one good reason. and that reason, we all will know when the time is right. no matter how bad the decision was that we made or how embarrassing it was to walk around with a stain on your shirt that you were oblivious about, we should never want to take it back.
make a positive out of your negative. even if the negative you made was one that changed your life forever. don't regret it, and dwell on it. move forward and try to make it better. if we all do this, in the end, our bodies will lie motionless and emotionless six feet under, but our spirits will remain with all that we've done, and a bag of smiles.
Valentines Day 2008;
oh, my love, how far we've come along since this day. this was a bit after our first one month anniversary. i remember this day like it was yesterday. we were experiencing our first argument. haha. but like the 'amazing' performers that we are, we pulled it off fairly well. this wasn't exactly valentine's day either, but we had been arguing for a few days, and then made up on valentine's day. you were my first valentine and hopefully my last. i'll never forget it.
looking through old photos of you and me really does make me tear up a little bit. especially around special times like these. i find this photo in particular to be a coincidence that i came across it. it was just kind of interesting to me that i found it when valentine's day is just around the corner.
two years ago, i don't think that either one of us knew what we were getting ourselves into. two years and almost a month later, we remain standing with so many blissful memories. from laughter to tears to performances and so many other adventures we've come across, whether they were good or bad, we're still here.
i know that i'm not the easiest person to love or be with, because sometimes, i honestly don't understand myself yet, but looking at this, i can't help but notice how young we were. yes, we're both still learning a lot, and growing up, but look at far how we've come, baby. two years and a month later after so much, we remain together, and i honestly cannot say that i would have wanted to experience anything we've gone through with anybody else.
i've said it way too many times before, but i honestly don't know where i would be without you. you have done so much more than just be my boyfriend. you have been my best friend, watching out for me through it all and ready to catch me at all times even before i begin to fall. and although you can't be here like you were before, i know you are always by my side through it all just as i am for you.
i know that things aren't the same as they were before because of this redundant distance, but if we keep working together, use our patience the way we're supposed to, and keep our faith, everything will have been for the best. it is difficult not being able to see you everyday like i used to, but i don't quit, and i know that you don't either. so for now, baby love, i leave you with one thing i have to say:
"...i've promises to keep and
a million apologies to the life to you i gave
but i know that God made it no mistake
i'll continue to grow
i'll continue to bleed
i'll continue to fight
for i know it is my deed
i will not quit
my love will not die
a soldier is what you long for
and your soldier is what am i
i will not quarrel
i will not cry
my love, my dear, a daily battle is what i fight
for you, my only treasure, i will give my life
i stand at the edge and i'm ready to fall
but i know that this is not the end at all
another 'once upon a time' is what we do have
so give me this chance and continue to hold me tight
don't let me go, and watch as i fly..."
i'm sure you've probably read this before, baby. i originally wrote it a few months ago, and it's a part of a longer, depressing poem, but now, this is the only part that matters. you and i have been through the biggest storms in the deepest parts of the seas together, and i just ask for you to hold on to me like you did before. it may become dificult at times, but i know it deep down in my heart that this is all for our future. a future that we will never regret, just like our past.
i love&miss you, andy jonathan guzman, like you'll never know. here's to a whole new chapter in our life. a whole new 'you&me'. one brand new performance that penguin&panda are rehearsing for...
Always January 8th of 2008<333
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