in case everyone is wondering where I went, or why I haven't been posting on here, it's because I post most of my stuff on Tumblr now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, call me a sell out all you want, but I enjoy it quite nicely.
But I do come back to Blogger every once in a while to see what everyone who I follow here are writing about. And who knows, maybe I will occasionally blog here once in a while?
And if you happen to have a Tumblr, follow me at panleepanda.tumblr.com (:
That is all.
kthxbai!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
walls come tumbling down;
i'm not quite sure if a teacher is supposed to trust their students as much as my English teacher trusts me. not that i ever take advantage of her trust, but i am currently sitting in a classroom all alone with mrs. thomas' classroom key blogging while listening to my ipod, and i will be doing this for the next hour and twenty minutes. i'm also surprised that blogspot isn't blocked by the school. i suppose it isn't half as popular as tumblr is.
since my last blog, which was a while ago, things have turned around for me. i was actually reading through all of the blogs that i've posted since the beginning of this year on here, and they are nowhere near close to describing how i feel at this moment.
to begin describing how i feel, i have to explain why i feel this way. oh, where to begin. it just feels as if i have my whole life together, as well as myself.
i am officially standing a week and a half away from graduation day; and about two weeks away from attending school at westwood college in ontario to major in criminal justice. it's a bit funny, yet annoying, when people find out what i'm majoring in because they automatically ask if i'm interested in joining law enforcement, and my answer is always no. then they give me this odd look that questions why i chose that major.
majoring in criminal justice doesn't necessarily mean that you have to become some kind of probation officer or cop; studying criminal justice leads you into a wide range of fields from going into the forensic files to becoming a drug counselor. it all depends on what you work to do while you're in college.
momentarily, my mind is set on becoming some kind of counselor for teenagers-- not aschool counselor-- or possibly doing ballistic forensics. either seem great, but i would want to do further research on both to see which would be more of interest.
eagerness, excitement, and anxiety are overwhelming me at the moment. i'm excited that i finally feel as if though i have a plan for myself to have a better life than i ever had. i am nervous because a part of myself doesn't want to trust me, but a new part of me is keeping me motivated to make an effort.
i really do feel like i have this new part of myself growing inside of me as well. this is a new part of me that i don't recognize. i currently feel like i can do anything. i am confident. i feel like everything is going to turn out to be great. perhaps it's just a phase that everyone succumbs to when they just turn eighteen or are graduating from high school? if it is a phase, then i really hope it lasts forever if that's what it is.
i will also be working with my family on improving our living conditions, as well as making an effort to buy a car for myself. we are in an urgent need for one. all of this hard work will be occuring very soon. i am ecstatic for this all to work out.
since my last blog, which was a while ago, things have turned around for me. i was actually reading through all of the blogs that i've posted since the beginning of this year on here, and they are nowhere near close to describing how i feel at this moment.
to begin describing how i feel, i have to explain why i feel this way. oh, where to begin. it just feels as if i have my whole life together, as well as myself.
i am officially standing a week and a half away from graduation day; and about two weeks away from attending school at westwood college in ontario to major in criminal justice. it's a bit funny, yet annoying, when people find out what i'm majoring in because they automatically ask if i'm interested in joining law enforcement, and my answer is always no. then they give me this odd look that questions why i chose that major.
majoring in criminal justice doesn't necessarily mean that you have to become some kind of probation officer or cop; studying criminal justice leads you into a wide range of fields from going into the forensic files to becoming a drug counselor. it all depends on what you work to do while you're in college.
momentarily, my mind is set on becoming some kind of counselor for teenagers-- not a
eagerness, excitement, and anxiety are overwhelming me at the moment. i'm excited that i finally feel as if though i have a plan for myself to have a better life than i ever had. i am nervous because a part of myself doesn't want to trust me, but a new part of me is keeping me motivated to make an effort.
i really do feel like i have this new part of myself growing inside of me as well. this is a new part of me that i don't recognize. i currently feel like i can do anything. i am confident. i feel like everything is going to turn out to be great. perhaps it's just a phase that everyone succumbs to when they just turn eighteen or are graduating from high school? if it is a phase, then i really hope it lasts forever if that's what it is.
i will also be working with my family on improving our living conditions, as well as making an effort to buy a car for myself. we are in an urgent need for one. all of this hard work will be occuring very soon. i am ecstatic for this all to work out.
Monday, March 29, 2010
a human;
i know that i said that i was only going to express myself positively, but i am only human, and if i can't express myself in a reasonable way with people, then i'll just do it here.
at the moment, i want many things. i'm tired. and i feel suffocated. trying to stay optimistic when i haven't seen andy in over a week makes it a lot more difficult than it really is. and realistically, it's a bit exhausting.
for some reason, it's like i can sustain a constant optimistic streak throughout the day if i'm letting myself be distracted, but when night time comes, and everyone is asleep, my mind is up and running the most. i let my insecurities just go crazy, and i don't know how to stop it. and what makes it even harder is that it keeps me from having a goodnight's sleep. i'm tired of nightmares, and my anxiety is really beginning to freighten me.
i'm stressed, and i'm afraid to be where i was six months ago all over again..
no. i won't go there.
overall, i think i'm just not being patient enough. the thing is i have a lot to look forward to, so i'm excited. but the excitement is causing me to become impatient.
i also think that i let it slip my mind that God is there, and He wants me to be patient. i will convince my family to go to church. at least this weekend since it's easter. i really think that's where i need to be right now.
oh, gosh, i sound like i'm just being negative or complaining, but the truth is, i'm just trying not to relive what i was a few months ago.
at the moment, i want many things. i'm tired. and i feel suffocated. trying to stay optimistic when i haven't seen andy in over a week makes it a lot more difficult than it really is. and realistically, it's a bit exhausting.
for some reason, it's like i can sustain a constant optimistic streak throughout the day if i'm letting myself be distracted, but when night time comes, and everyone is asleep, my mind is up and running the most. i let my insecurities just go crazy, and i don't know how to stop it. and what makes it even harder is that it keeps me from having a goodnight's sleep. i'm tired of nightmares, and my anxiety is really beginning to freighten me.
i'm stressed, and i'm afraid to be where i was six months ago all over again..
no. i won't go there.
overall, i think i'm just not being patient enough. the thing is i have a lot to look forward to, so i'm excited. but the excitement is causing me to become impatient.
i also think that i let it slip my mind that God is there, and He wants me to be patient. i will convince my family to go to church. at least this weekend since it's easter. i really think that's where i need to be right now.
oh, gosh, i sound like i'm just being negative or complaining, but the truth is, i'm just trying not to relive what i was a few months ago.
Friday, March 19, 2010
on learning;
Today, something hit me quite hard and it goes by the name of 'graduation'. Just that one simple word contains so many different meanings for me. Or for anyone really. The definition to the word 'graduate' in the
dictionary is to 'academically pass a certain level of education'. I'm not saying it's wrong, but in my mind, 'graduation' is an end and a beginning. Not only are students all over the world just 'academically achieving in passing a level of education', but many, in these four years, have began learning, if not, learned who they are.
For most, four years in one high school with mostly the same students is a huge part of life. So many memories are made in just those four years. Maybe you were the kid who started off a bit rocky and then
improved as the years went on. Or you were the one who drove your teacher to tears. Or the one who started off great and then ended up at continuation school. Maybe you were the social butterfly, or thehead cheerleader, or apart of the academic team, or maybe you decided not to be involved. Maybe you were a social outcast because you chose to be the whole four years. Or had a hard time fitting in. Or maybe you just didn't care. You went to school and did what you had to do and had your close group of friends all four years and that was that.
Whatever it is that you did, or whoever you decided to be was all up to you. But now, this person either dies and completely changes, or grows into something better or worse. Truth is, whatever happened those four years generally stays there, unless you committed a murder or some type of shenanigan that will follow you for the rest of your life. But at the same time, what you learned from who you were in high school all becomes a part of who you are in life.
In psychology, I learned that middle school was supposed to be the years where you try different things to find who you are, and high school is less of that. I beg to differ. High school is the years where we experiment the most. Well, some or most of us. It's the years where some of us make the most mistakes and either learn from them or worsen.
Today, I sat alone during fourth and fifth period as I typically do. I saw the same slideshow twice. It was only about six minutes long. The slideshow contained photographs of different clubs and events and groups of students at Rancho Verde sitting together with their friends, smiling, and having a good time eating their distasteful cafeteria food, and making memories. Six minutes of this and listening to other seniors talk and reminisce on how fun all these events and moments were almost brought tears to my eyes, and a bit of a pang to my heart, I have to admit.
Andy, Monica, choir, singing, performing, Andy's camera, spending days and nights and randomly going out with Andy, music, writing/blogging... these are most of the main things my high school years consisted of. A lot of the time, I say and think that I don't care much about making friends, or that I'm better off by myself. I say that I just want high school to be done already. This, the majority of the time, is partially true because the times that it's not, I feel the same pang that I felt today when I'm sitting alone during lunch, or sitting quietly in the back of the class, or even when I hear talk of prom, or gradnite. And i guess i must admit that a bit of anger grows inside of me as well when this pang occurs. When these times happen, I want to cover my ears and close my eyes so that way when I open them, it's weeks after graduation already.
So, in a way, I guess i can give in to the idea that I'm a bit intimidated by this word 'graduation'. Not afraid in the way that I don't want to face it, but in the way that I just want to get it over with. I want to fast forward all of the tears, and pangs my heart is going to bring upon my family and even me the last few weeks of school. Because regardless of my recognition to the fact that I can get through this with a smile by the end of the day, it's the work to get my smile going that I dread to face.
My high school years weren't anything special. Maybe they could have been simpler or easier, but i'm not sure if there's anything i could have done to fix it. There was a lot of tears, pain, and anger. Lots of peculiar things. Downfalls mostly. Some drama. No. I take that back. There was more drama than just 'some'. But I did learn a lot.
These past four years consisted of 'everything happens for a reason', 'things can be worse', 'patience is the key to life', and 'whatever it takes'. These four quotes have helped carry me throughout these long, yet short years.
Sure enough, there is a reason for everything. Nothing happens at random. Ever. Pay close attention and you'll soon figure it out.
Things can always be so much worse than what you're going through. Trust me. Just because you didn't get the shoes you wanted, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Remember, there's always a person out there who wishes they even owned at least one pair of shoes.
Rushing things never gets the job done right. It's like this; it takes time and work for most healthy babies to develop in a womb. Nine months. Yes, for most women it becomes painful and annoying, but it all pays off in the end. What use is it for a baby to come early if it's going to be in the hospital the majority of it's childhood, if not, for most of it's life even? Sometimes, waiting doesn't work the first time, but maybe it's not your turn yet. You just have to be more patient.
Do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be. Plain and simple.
I will take these learned facts with me. Anywhere after graduation. And I'm leaving behind all of the pain. The tears. The downfalls. The anger. This time, it's my turn to make things better. After the last few weeks of pangs, I will it help make it better.
No, I did not have my close group of friends. I had Andy. My best and only friend. No, I did not have a stable home, but I had a roof on my head, food on my table, health, and my family. Yes, I moved to many
schools, but I met various amounts of interesting people that I can still name to this day.
Four years of pain also came with my smiles, and memories that I will always treasure. My last first kiss. My last first relationship. My first worry. My first real friendship. And so many other wonderful things. Not all of it was bad. But it sure wasn't easy. School was lonely, to be honest, a lot of the time after Andy graduated and I moved from Rialto High. I learned to build fences around me, and I forgot how to be a good friend. A lot of the time, it just felt that distancing myself from people was the best way to avoid unnessecary issues. And it worked. But it left me a bit curious.
Now, the end of senior year is here. Graduation is thirty-nine school days away from now. A tiny part of me wants to fast forward the end of the year to avoid missing what I never had. A part of me wonders if this is my fault, but the other is ignoring that side of me and ready to move forward.
I can't say that I regret not doing anything, because I have my reasons for whatever it is I've done. I know that I will continue to grow from this. And so will everyone else. As i've said before, make the best of your 'mistakes' in life. It's the only way that we can live with them.
We've learned, are learning, and will continue learning. There's no looking back now. We look forward now, and without knowledge of it, we are walking hand in hand, chins up, together on a journey toward the
same thing.
dictionary is to 'academically pass a certain level of education'. I'm not saying it's wrong, but in my mind, 'graduation' is an end and a beginning. Not only are students all over the world just 'academically achieving in passing a level of education', but many, in these four years, have began learning, if not, learned who they are.
For most, four years in one high school with mostly the same students is a huge part of life. So many memories are made in just those four years. Maybe you were the kid who started off a bit rocky and then
improved as the years went on. Or you were the one who drove your teacher to tears. Or the one who started off great and then ended up at continuation school. Maybe you were the social butterfly, or thehead cheerleader, or apart of the academic team, or maybe you decided not to be involved. Maybe you were a social outcast because you chose to be the whole four years. Or had a hard time fitting in. Or maybe you just didn't care. You went to school and did what you had to do and had your close group of friends all four years and that was that.
Whatever it is that you did, or whoever you decided to be was all up to you. But now, this person either dies and completely changes, or grows into something better or worse. Truth is, whatever happened those four years generally stays there, unless you committed a murder or some type of shenanigan that will follow you for the rest of your life. But at the same time, what you learned from who you were in high school all becomes a part of who you are in life.
In psychology, I learned that middle school was supposed to be the years where you try different things to find who you are, and high school is less of that. I beg to differ. High school is the years where we experiment the most. Well, some or most of us. It's the years where some of us make the most mistakes and either learn from them or worsen.
Today, I sat alone during fourth and fifth period as I typically do. I saw the same slideshow twice. It was only about six minutes long. The slideshow contained photographs of different clubs and events and groups of students at Rancho Verde sitting together with their friends, smiling, and having a good time eating their distasteful cafeteria food, and making memories. Six minutes of this and listening to other seniors talk and reminisce on how fun all these events and moments were almost brought tears to my eyes, and a bit of a pang to my heart, I have to admit.
Andy, Monica, choir, singing, performing, Andy's camera, spending days and nights and randomly going out with Andy, music, writing/blogging... these are most of the main things my high school years consisted of. A lot of the time, I say and think that I don't care much about making friends, or that I'm better off by myself. I say that I just want high school to be done already. This, the majority of the time, is partially true because the times that it's not, I feel the same pang that I felt today when I'm sitting alone during lunch, or sitting quietly in the back of the class, or even when I hear talk of prom, or gradnite. And i guess i must admit that a bit of anger grows inside of me as well when this pang occurs. When these times happen, I want to cover my ears and close my eyes so that way when I open them, it's weeks after graduation already.
So, in a way, I guess i can give in to the idea that I'm a bit intimidated by this word 'graduation'. Not afraid in the way that I don't want to face it, but in the way that I just want to get it over with. I want to fast forward all of the tears, and pangs my heart is going to bring upon my family and even me the last few weeks of school. Because regardless of my recognition to the fact that I can get through this with a smile by the end of the day, it's the work to get my smile going that I dread to face.
My high school years weren't anything special. Maybe they could have been simpler or easier, but i'm not sure if there's anything i could have done to fix it. There was a lot of tears, pain, and anger. Lots of peculiar things. Downfalls mostly. Some drama. No. I take that back. There was more drama than just 'some'. But I did learn a lot.
These past four years consisted of 'everything happens for a reason', 'things can be worse', 'patience is the key to life', and 'whatever it takes'. These four quotes have helped carry me throughout these long, yet short years.
Sure enough, there is a reason for everything. Nothing happens at random. Ever. Pay close attention and you'll soon figure it out.
Things can always be so much worse than what you're going through. Trust me. Just because you didn't get the shoes you wanted, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Remember, there's always a person out there who wishes they even owned at least one pair of shoes.
Rushing things never gets the job done right. It's like this; it takes time and work for most healthy babies to develop in a womb. Nine months. Yes, for most women it becomes painful and annoying, but it all pays off in the end. What use is it for a baby to come early if it's going to be in the hospital the majority of it's childhood, if not, for most of it's life even? Sometimes, waiting doesn't work the first time, but maybe it's not your turn yet. You just have to be more patient.
Do whatever it takes to get to where you want to be. Plain and simple.
I will take these learned facts with me. Anywhere after graduation. And I'm leaving behind all of the pain. The tears. The downfalls. The anger. This time, it's my turn to make things better. After the last few weeks of pangs, I will it help make it better.
No, I did not have my close group of friends. I had Andy. My best and only friend. No, I did not have a stable home, but I had a roof on my head, food on my table, health, and my family. Yes, I moved to many
schools, but I met various amounts of interesting people that I can still name to this day.
Four years of pain also came with my smiles, and memories that I will always treasure. My last first kiss. My last first relationship. My first worry. My first real friendship. And so many other wonderful things. Not all of it was bad. But it sure wasn't easy. School was lonely, to be honest, a lot of the time after Andy graduated and I moved from Rialto High. I learned to build fences around me, and I forgot how to be a good friend. A lot of the time, it just felt that distancing myself from people was the best way to avoid unnessecary issues. And it worked. But it left me a bit curious.
Now, the end of senior year is here. Graduation is thirty-nine school days away from now. A tiny part of me wants to fast forward the end of the year to avoid missing what I never had. A part of me wonders if this is my fault, but the other is ignoring that side of me and ready to move forward.
I can't say that I regret not doing anything, because I have my reasons for whatever it is I've done. I know that I will continue to grow from this. And so will everyone else. As i've said before, make the best of your 'mistakes' in life. It's the only way that we can live with them.
We've learned, are learning, and will continue learning. There's no looking back now. We look forward now, and without knowledge of it, we are walking hand in hand, chins up, together on a journey toward the
same thing.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
blessed;
days pass by, and i'm still having a hard time figuring out where i went right. i'm not complaining, but overall, life has been really good. my love life has been rebuilt all over again, and things at home are gradually progressing for me and my family. my life feels like it's going to be making a 180 not very long from now.
patience really does pay off.
sure, there are days when i just get frusterated and want things to go by so much faster, but at the end of those days, i'll sit back and count my blessings, and pray for a better day.
family is my number one blessing. i don't know what i would do or where i would be without them. my parents are the strongest two people i know. have stuck by my brother and sisters and me through it all even when we've put them through the worst. and of course, andy has been my strength, my best friend, my love, and support, and happiness. i can't picture life without him.
family is my number one blessing. i love them. even when we all feel like everything's falling apart or we just want to be away from each other for a while, at the end of the day we all stick by one another. i have no idea what we would do if we let ourselves break.
now that i think about it, family at this point is my first, last, and only blessing.
patience really does pay off.
sure, there are days when i just get frusterated and want things to go by so much faster, but at the end of those days, i'll sit back and count my blessings, and pray for a better day.
family is my number one blessing. i don't know what i would do or where i would be without them. my parents are the strongest two people i know. have stuck by my brother and sisters and me through it all even when we've put them through the worst. and of course, andy has been my strength, my best friend, my love, and support, and happiness. i can't picture life without him.
family is my number one blessing. i love them. even when we all feel like everything's falling apart or we just want to be away from each other for a while, at the end of the day we all stick by one another. i have no idea what we would do if we let ourselves break.
now that i think about it, family at this point is my first, last, and only blessing.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
all that we've done and a bag of smiles;
so this morning, i woke up feeling a bit depressed. i wasn't quite sure why, but i just did not feel like talking. i went through my whole morning like i belonged to the happy hands club (aka a club for sign language speakers at chaffey high).
at first, i just wanted to shrug it off to get through my day easier, but before i knew it, it felt like everyone was bombarding me with their questions like 'what's wrong?' and 'are you okay?' and 'why are you so quiet today?', so it just became almost impossible for me to shrug it off. i went through periods one through four feeling like this. and it only made me more angry when people asked those questions because i would either say 'nothing, i'm fine' with the fakest smile you would know, or 'i'm just tired', which was partially true. the other part of the truth, i honestly did not know.
i felt somewhat empty on the inside. i felt like i was missing andy too much. and then monica. and then another part was missing rialto high. and another chaffey. and another ontario. and another my old little house in rancho cucamonga. and i was just confused. i went home still feeling quiet, and dismal.
about an hour after i got home and had eaten, all of the kids were outside in the backyard playing, and for once in a short while, i heard silence. then it hit me. i was feeling homesick. and it hit me again. on valentine's day, it's going to be exactly a year that andy and i were on our way out and my mom had told me we had to move out of her friend's house soon, and she and my dad had no idea where we were headed.
i remember i was fixing the roses andy had bought for me and was about to rush out the door when my mom called me in and asked me to sit down. with tears in her eyes, she explained why we had to move, and i quietly nodded my head, leaned over to give her a hug, told her i understood, and fighting back tears, i promised her that everything was going to be okay. i remember i had felt surprised that i didn't cry. in a way, i kind of believe that it was because i was distracted that day because andy and i were on our way out on a special day, but i'm still not quite sure.
anyhow, the point is that i'm homesick and i was hoping that this feeling doesn't get too strong because i don't want to end up like i was a few months ago. i even thought that at one point i was going to break down today, but instead, i ended up laughing, smiling, and crying, but for a different reason.
i read monica's blog at boomitsmonica.tumblr.com, and it brought so many memories, laughter, smiles, and tears to my eyes. she and i have come a long way since her senior year and my sophomore year. the pictures she put on her blog happen to be old pictures from 2007, and i sadly didn't have any, so she let me copy them to my photobucket.
looking through all of those memories took hours, but it honestly felt like i had entered a time machine. so many memories ran through my mind right when i saw them. and the ones she has on her photobucket accounts are only half of what we used to take. i can't imagine how many more she will upload later on! clicking through pictures and pictures, i laughed, smiled, and teared up. i even found old pictures of andy and me, hence the last blog i posted.
i came to thinking how amazing memories are. how intriguing it is that one memory can contain so many emotions and words. sometimes, people ask the question 'if you could be put into a time machine, what would you go back in time and fix?', but to be honest, if i had a time machine, i wouldn't fix anything. if i were ever offered a time machine, i would use it to relive memories instead of redoing them.
i don't regret what i do. i believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe that my most embarrassing moments were supposed to happen the way that they did. i believe that i was supposed to make the mistakes i made for a reason. everything that we do in this life is for one good reason. and that reason, we all will know when the time is right. no matter how bad the decision was that we made or how embarrassing it was to walk around with a stain on your shirt that you were oblivious about, we should never want to take it back.
make a positive out of your negative. even if the negative you made was one that changed your life forever. don't regret it, and dwell on it. move forward and try to make it better. if we all do this, in the end, our bodies will lie motionless and emotionless six feet under, but our spirits will remain with all that we've done, and a bag of smiles.
at first, i just wanted to shrug it off to get through my day easier, but before i knew it, it felt like everyone was bombarding me with their questions like 'what's wrong?' and 'are you okay?' and 'why are you so quiet today?', so it just became almost impossible for me to shrug it off. i went through periods one through four feeling like this. and it only made me more angry when people asked those questions because i would either say 'nothing, i'm fine' with the fakest smile you would know, or 'i'm just tired', which was partially true. the other part of the truth, i honestly did not know.
i felt somewhat empty on the inside. i felt like i was missing andy too much. and then monica. and then another part was missing rialto high. and another chaffey. and another ontario. and another my old little house in rancho cucamonga. and i was just confused. i went home still feeling quiet, and dismal.
about an hour after i got home and had eaten, all of the kids were outside in the backyard playing, and for once in a short while, i heard silence. then it hit me. i was feeling homesick. and it hit me again. on valentine's day, it's going to be exactly a year that andy and i were on our way out and my mom had told me we had to move out of her friend's house soon, and she and my dad had no idea where we were headed.
i remember i was fixing the roses andy had bought for me and was about to rush out the door when my mom called me in and asked me to sit down. with tears in her eyes, she explained why we had to move, and i quietly nodded my head, leaned over to give her a hug, told her i understood, and fighting back tears, i promised her that everything was going to be okay. i remember i had felt surprised that i didn't cry. in a way, i kind of believe that it was because i was distracted that day because andy and i were on our way out on a special day, but i'm still not quite sure.
anyhow, the point is that i'm homesick and i was hoping that this feeling doesn't get too strong because i don't want to end up like i was a few months ago. i even thought that at one point i was going to break down today, but instead, i ended up laughing, smiling, and crying, but for a different reason.
i read monica's blog at boomitsmonica.tumblr.com, and it brought so many memories, laughter, smiles, and tears to my eyes. she and i have come a long way since her senior year and my sophomore year. the pictures she put on her blog happen to be old pictures from 2007, and i sadly didn't have any, so she let me copy them to my photobucket.
looking through all of those memories took hours, but it honestly felt like i had entered a time machine. so many memories ran through my mind right when i saw them. and the ones she has on her photobucket accounts are only half of what we used to take. i can't imagine how many more she will upload later on! clicking through pictures and pictures, i laughed, smiled, and teared up. i even found old pictures of andy and me, hence the last blog i posted.
i came to thinking how amazing memories are. how intriguing it is that one memory can contain so many emotions and words. sometimes, people ask the question 'if you could be put into a time machine, what would you go back in time and fix?', but to be honest, if i had a time machine, i wouldn't fix anything. if i were ever offered a time machine, i would use it to relive memories instead of redoing them.
i don't regret what i do. i believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe that my most embarrassing moments were supposed to happen the way that they did. i believe that i was supposed to make the mistakes i made for a reason. everything that we do in this life is for one good reason. and that reason, we all will know when the time is right. no matter how bad the decision was that we made or how embarrassing it was to walk around with a stain on your shirt that you were oblivious about, we should never want to take it back.
make a positive out of your negative. even if the negative you made was one that changed your life forever. don't regret it, and dwell on it. move forward and try to make it better. if we all do this, in the end, our bodies will lie motionless and emotionless six feet under, but our spirits will remain with all that we've done, and a bag of smiles.
Valentines Day 2008;
oh, my love, how far we've come along since this day. this was a bit after our first one month anniversary. i remember this day like it was yesterday. we were experiencing our first argument. haha. but like the 'amazing' performers that we are, we pulled it off fairly well. this wasn't exactly valentine's day either, but we had been arguing for a few days, and then made up on valentine's day. you were my first valentine and hopefully my last. i'll never forget it.
looking through old photos of you and me really does make me tear up a little bit. especially around special times like these. i find this photo in particular to be a coincidence that i came across it. it was just kind of interesting to me that i found it when valentine's day is just around the corner.
two years ago, i don't think that either one of us knew what we were getting ourselves into. two years and almost a month later, we remain standing with so many blissful memories. from laughter to tears to performances and so many other adventures we've come across, whether they were good or bad, we're still here.
i know that i'm not the easiest person to love or be with, because sometimes, i honestly don't understand myself yet, but looking at this, i can't help but notice how young we were. yes, we're both still learning a lot, and growing up, but look at far how we've come, baby. two years and a month later after so much, we remain together, and i honestly cannot say that i would have wanted to experience anything we've gone through with anybody else.
i've said it way too many times before, but i honestly don't know where i would be without you. you have done so much more than just be my boyfriend. you have been my best friend, watching out for me through it all and ready to catch me at all times even before i begin to fall. and although you can't be here like you were before, i know you are always by my side through it all just as i am for you.
i know that things aren't the same as they were before because of this redundant distance, but if we keep working together, use our patience the way we're supposed to, and keep our faith, everything will have been for the best. it is difficult not being able to see you everyday like i used to, but i don't quit, and i know that you don't either. so for now, baby love, i leave you with one thing i have to say:
"...i've promises to keep and
a million apologies to the life to you i gave
but i know that God made it no mistake
i'll continue to grow
i'll continue to bleed
i'll continue to fight
for i know it is my deed
i will not quit
my love will not die
a soldier is what you long for
and your soldier is what am i
i will not quarrel
i will not cry
my love, my dear, a daily battle is what i fight
for you, my only treasure, i will give my life
i stand at the edge and i'm ready to fall
but i know that this is not the end at all
another 'once upon a time' is what we do have
so give me this chance and continue to hold me tight
don't let me go, and watch as i fly..."
i'm sure you've probably read this before, baby. i originally wrote it a few months ago, and it's a part of a longer, depressing poem, but now, this is the only part that matters. you and i have been through the biggest storms in the deepest parts of the seas together, and i just ask for you to hold on to me like you did before. it may become dificult at times, but i know it deep down in my heart that this is all for our future. a future that we will never regret, just like our past.
i love&miss you, andy jonathan guzman, like you'll never know. here's to a whole new chapter in our life. a whole new 'you&me'. one brand new performance that penguin&panda are rehearsing for...
Always January 8th of 2008<333
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
boom! it really is monica;
regardless of how weird our personalities can be, whether we're being all menstrual toward or 'molesting' each other on your queen-sized bed, we have a bond that i don't believe many can say they share with anyone really. especially a family member.
growing up together, we weren't always close, but living together for almost a year definitely changed that. and attending high school together made an even bigger difference.
i remember when i first walked into rialto high, i was so negative about it. i constantly complained and would find any excuse to just bring that school down and make myself more miserable. but to be honest, i don't know how i would have survived being a new kid all over again if you hadn't walked in right by my side. and even with my constant complaining, you didn't walk away from me, you simply held my hand through it all without doing anything less, but helping me get through it.
little by little i began to walk on my own all over again. i began to build my semi-social life, and we began to drift apart all over again. for a few un-named reasons, we became angry, and unfortunately wasted about almost a year being angry toward each other. i remember i would tear up looking through old pictures we had taken, which i'm sad to say i can't find anywhere on this computer. we had so many, many great times together. from swimming in your pool in the summer; having barbeques almost every weekend at your house; staying over until odd hours of the night laughing, gossiping, watching movies; and when i moved in we went to charburgers across from school; stayed after school for your cheer practices; homecoming game; wannabe photoshoots on your lawn; watched and played out movies and songs as well; and we just did so many other things, it would fortunately take too long to list.
up until now, i cannot believe how immature we were to have wasted almost a whole year without talking and being angry over something so stupid, but thank God that now, we're okay, possibly better than ever, inseperable all over again, and even closer than before.
i can honestly say that even though we're supposed to be cousins, you are more like the big sister i never had in a different way. we molest each other, share clothes kind of, fix each other's hair, make fun of each other, support one another, respect one other's opinions, don't judge each other, cry together, get mad at each other, beat up on and make fun of andy, but best, most importantly, and most of all, we laugh loud and last together. that's my favorite. no matter what the circumstances, 96% of the time, we remain with the loudest laugh, and even though we have people telling us that we're too loud, we're never too loud for each other.
too many have and will wish for what we have. and that's a friendship that nobody can come through, because, well, for one, we're always going to be blood-related, but two, because we're simply that awesome. we're 'two lone-wolves walking the streets of vegas searching for cocaine and strippers'; we both 'raise our hands because we think our brothers are homos'. and most of all, even though we think we're really different a lot of the time, we're not. we help each other even when we don't know it. i thank God that things got better between us, because i honestly don't know how i would have gotten through these past few months without you. you were part of the reason i didn't fall apart. and i want to say 'thank you' for that. thank you for being there when nobody else was. i think by now you know that i love you, and that i can't wait to have your sex!
Now, we look forward to nothing but sexual sundays, listening and singing along to meg&dia and lights, playing monopoly&clue with rene and andy, and just making more blissful memories with our incestful and pervertive minds. we're growing up so fast and soon, we'll be sitting down like our parents do every sunday watching our kids laugh and molest themselves. i honestly look forward to it, haha (; miss you, love you, and see you soon!<33
before i die;
Stephen Christian;
the most amazing writer that i've ever read and heard about. he's honestly inspired me, and his writing has helped me through music, and his stories.
Hayley Williams;
it's so easy to look up to her. amazing performer, voice, musician, writer, and overall person. i hope to one day have the confidence and energy she does when i'm onstage or simply talking to others. she inspires me to keep on performing, and pushing myself.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
a wonderful thought;
why is it that we like to entertain thoughts in my own mind about fairytale stories?
should we be angry at the person who:
i believe that we should actually be grateful to God for allowing stories like this to be brought upon this world. especially with all of the pain, heartbreak, and negativity that's here today, we really should be grateful for ideas like these.
believe it or not, we do need them. stories like this actually bring something called hope into our mind and hearts. even if you're a male, you cannot deny that at one point you wished that you were that handsome prince who slayed the malicious witch who turns into a dragon and kissed a girl to save her; or that you even wished upon a star hoping your wish would come true. no matter what the age or sex, we all wanted to be the main characters in these stories.
and thanks to these stories, we can honestly say that we do learn a lot.
i learned that wishing upon a star won't make your wish come true in our world; but what we do have in our world is God whom you can pray to and will answer them when it is your time.
i learned that the prince that saves me doesn't always have to be handsome and that dragons do not exist in our world; but he can have a beautiful heart and mind and can help me slay my own obstacles and battle my own heartaches...
should we be angry at the person who:
- created the idea of finding a prince who's kiss is special enough to wake you and save you?
- created the idea that once you kill the antogonist in your story, all your dreams come true?
- felt that happyness is created when you wish upon a star?
i believe that we should actually be grateful to God for allowing stories like this to be brought upon this world. especially with all of the pain, heartbreak, and negativity that's here today, we really should be grateful for ideas like these.
believe it or not, we do need them. stories like this actually bring something called hope into our mind and hearts. even if you're a male, you cannot deny that at one point you wished that you were that handsome prince who slayed the malicious witch who turns into a dragon and kissed a girl to save her; or that you even wished upon a star hoping your wish would come true. no matter what the age or sex, we all wanted to be the main characters in these stories.
and thanks to these stories, we can honestly say that we do learn a lot.
i learned that wishing upon a star won't make your wish come true in our world; but what we do have in our world is God whom you can pray to and will answer them when it is your time.
i learned that the prince that saves me doesn't always have to be handsome and that dragons do not exist in our world; but he can have a beautiful heart and mind and can help me slay my own obstacles and battle my own heartaches...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
giving up by ingrid michaelson;
her music always helps me feel better.
What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?
What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up
What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes? Then I'll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up
I am giving up
I am giving up
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up for you
I am giving up for you
I am giving up
What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?
What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up
What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes? Then I'll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up
I am giving up
I am giving up
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up for you
I am giving up for you
I am giving up
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
rehab for the non-addict.
it's always interesting for me to sit back and look at photos or reminisce on my past. and although remembering sometimes can be painful for me, it's honestly one of my favorite things to do.
almost eighteen years of my life have been completed, and in these years, i've learned and experienced more than i ever thought i possibly could. and the best thing is, i'm still learning. who i used to be is nothing compared to who i am now. maybe i'm still a bit fragile and my heart is still mending, but overall, i've grown to be who i am at this moment.
i'm not sure how to write out what i want to write at the moment. my heart feels like it wants to burst open with millions of words, but my mind is insecure about what it wants my fingers to type...
i guess in a way, i want to say that i'm happy with who i've become? or maybe i want to say that regardless of the tough memories embossed into my mind, i find it worth the reminiscing of the pain to be where i am. i feel at peace with myself. overall, i just feel happy, i guess.
i think actually knowing where i went right actually just adds onto me feeling this way. all it took was patience.
who knew that two months of solitude, depression, anger, frusteration, tears, heartbreak, and just overall pain could actually put me here? i honestly felt like i was hanging on by the finest thread you could ever find and that it could snap at any moment. i felt that nothing and no one could save me anymore. i felt alone. it's almost as if i was thrown into my own personal rehab. a mini-Hell is what it seems like when you're there, but now i feel great.
i have nobody else to thank but God for not letting me break, my family for putting up with me during this time, and andy for doing what he did for our relationship. everything does happen for a reason. those two months were the worst time that i've ever experienced, but they also helped build us as a couple. i'm not going to lie and say that everything's all patched up, but we're working on it, and to be honest, we're doing better than before. at least i believe so.
i'm ecstatic that i have plans, and i actually am absolutely positive about them and what i want and who i am at the moment. i'm still finding myself, but aren't we all? but andy... wow. he has amazed and inspired me since day one, and to this day, it has not come to a halt. and deep in my heart and soul, i know that as long as i know him, and have him by my side or in my life, he will continue to do this.
my heart and mind are in a state of tranquility for this wonderful man whom i couldn't be more honored to call mine. it knows that it is in the best human hands. it knows that andy j. would do absolutely anything to keep a smile on my face. he has proved it. and God knows more than anything and anyone how much i truly love him.
yes, we did pick up where we left off, but in a way, to me, it seems as though we're improved in our ways of loving one another. God is definitely on our side, baby. once you came back to me, everything just seemed to fall into place right after that, and the funny thing is that nothing really changed, except i think i'm even more in love with you, and we're definitely growing up. we have plans. and we're ready to put them into action. i'm caught up to you again. i still stumble every now and then. but then again, you know how clumsy i can be.
once again, i'm here, writing to you to thank you because i get all tongue-tied trying to explain this to you. thank you for staying in my life. thank you for making me complete again. i know that we had a rough year in 2009, but i have a gut feeling that this year will be better for us both. with just a little bit of love, faith, and hope, we're going to be just fine, baby love. i promise. thank you once again. i love you, lame penguin<3
almost eighteen years of my life have been completed, and in these years, i've learned and experienced more than i ever thought i possibly could. and the best thing is, i'm still learning. who i used to be is nothing compared to who i am now. maybe i'm still a bit fragile and my heart is still mending, but overall, i've grown to be who i am at this moment.
i'm not sure how to write out what i want to write at the moment. my heart feels like it wants to burst open with millions of words, but my mind is insecure about what it wants my fingers to type...
i guess in a way, i want to say that i'm happy with who i've become? or maybe i want to say that regardless of the tough memories embossed into my mind, i find it worth the reminiscing of the pain to be where i am. i feel at peace with myself. overall, i just feel happy, i guess.
i think actually knowing where i went right actually just adds onto me feeling this way. all it took was patience.
who knew that two months of solitude, depression, anger, frusteration, tears, heartbreak, and just overall pain could actually put me here? i honestly felt like i was hanging on by the finest thread you could ever find and that it could snap at any moment. i felt that nothing and no one could save me anymore. i felt alone. it's almost as if i was thrown into my own personal rehab. a mini-Hell is what it seems like when you're there, but now i feel great.
i have nobody else to thank but God for not letting me break, my family for putting up with me during this time, and andy for doing what he did for our relationship. everything does happen for a reason. those two months were the worst time that i've ever experienced, but they also helped build us as a couple. i'm not going to lie and say that everything's all patched up, but we're working on it, and to be honest, we're doing better than before. at least i believe so.
i'm ecstatic that i have plans, and i actually am absolutely positive about them and what i want and who i am at the moment. i'm still finding myself, but aren't we all? but andy... wow. he has amazed and inspired me since day one, and to this day, it has not come to a halt. and deep in my heart and soul, i know that as long as i know him, and have him by my side or in my life, he will continue to do this.
my heart and mind are in a state of tranquility for this wonderful man whom i couldn't be more honored to call mine. it knows that it is in the best human hands. it knows that andy j. would do absolutely anything to keep a smile on my face. he has proved it. and God knows more than anything and anyone how much i truly love him.
yes, we did pick up where we left off, but in a way, to me, it seems as though we're improved in our ways of loving one another. God is definitely on our side, baby. once you came back to me, everything just seemed to fall into place right after that, and the funny thing is that nothing really changed, except i think i'm even more in love with you, and we're definitely growing up. we have plans. and we're ready to put them into action. i'm caught up to you again. i still stumble every now and then. but then again, you know how clumsy i can be.
once again, i'm here, writing to you to thank you because i get all tongue-tied trying to explain this to you. thank you for staying in my life. thank you for making me complete again. i know that we had a rough year in 2009, but i have a gut feeling that this year will be better for us both. with just a little bit of love, faith, and hope, we're going to be just fine, baby love. i promise. thank you once again. i love you, lame penguin<3
<33301.08.08<333
Monday, January 25, 2010
"i've got my words; i hope they hurt you; i hope they scar you; i hope they heal you..."
i know i said that i wasn't going to start a new blog, but i also did say that i'm very indecisive. i can say one thing one minute and do the exact opposite the next. i've been told that it's a negative thing and also quite annoying that i can never make up my mind, but i don't always believe that it's a negative thing. annoying maybe, but not always bad. i've honestly run into the most beautiful things for being indecisive, and also making random, last-minute choices. so to be honest, i honestly don't care what anyone else thinks about this at the moment. you have two options.
anyhow, before i proceed my rambling on more shenanigan and nonsense, i want to re-introduce myself.
this whole thing about wanting to start fresh right after a new year is kind of corny, but sometimes we can't help to have a bit of 'corny-ness' in our lives. what would we honestly be without it?
so here i go.
anyhow, before i proceed my rambling on more shenanigan and nonsense, i want to re-introduce myself.
this whole thing about wanting to start fresh right after a new year is kind of corny, but sometimes we can't help to have a bit of 'corny-ness' in our lives. what would we honestly be without it?
so here i go.
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